Again With This: Beverly Hills, 90210

You thought a standard Season 3 episode of Melrose Place crammed in a lot of drama? STRAP IN, because here comes a for-no-reason midseason double episode, and it is a doozy. Amanda and Peter are still pretending to be a couple while secretly plotting against each other. Peter and Caitlin's plan to pry Amanda out of her contract is to arrange for everyone at the agency to take a drug test for insurance purposes, and for Amanda to fail it because the "antibiotics" Peter's prescribed her are actually THC...and since the only drug study at the hospital involving THC is the one Peter's just put Michael in charge of, Peter's hands will be clean. But Amanda finds one pill, gets Matt to have it analyzed, and confronts Peter with the evidence in order to keep her job. So then Peter has to escalate by arranging to "catch" Amanda and Michael in his office after hours, injecting her with a drug that will imitate the appendicitis cramps, and wheeling her into surgery she will not survive. Will Michael have the stomach to

Amanda suddenly has some competition for Head Bitch In Charge at D&D when she walks into her office and sees JASMINE GUY sitting at her desk. Guy plays Caitlin Mills, an efficiency expert Peter has hired to shore up operations at the agency; Amanda is immediately suspicious -- and, as with every decision Peter makes, she has good reason. Amanda develops a scheme to try to blackmail Peter regarding a pretty obviously fake drug trial he's supposedly running, and maybe Caitlin has her off her game, because once again Amanda tries to leverage Michael, and we all know how that goes. ANYWAY: this is the snake pit Alison is returning to from rehab (and, despite what Amanda told her at Christmas, she also still totally wants to fire Alison), but Billy is really putting himself out to help her ramp back up. Unfortunately for him, the only ramp Alison wants to be on is the one that will get her closer to Terry -- you know, because he's really tall. Now that Jo has her baby back, she also needs a full-time nanny, ev

Already in a rage about Peter's controlling behavior, Amanda adopts a bah humbug attitude she takes out on everyone around her. And we all know the remedy: Bruce's unquiet spirit comes back to warn her about what will happen to her if she doesn't change her ways. Now that Jo has confirmed her maternity of the baby Kimberly's been raising, she apparently has no compunction telling everyone about it, including Peter, who orders Michael to return the baby immediately. Jeffrey is so eager to shower Matt with extravagant gifts that Matt can't help expressing his discomfort -- and how could that possibly backfire on him, in a loving relationship where everyone is definitely totally secure? After seeing Billy and Alison together on the Twin Oaks campus, Terry accelerates his pursuit of her. And Jane tries to broker a holiday peace between Sydney and their father. Wrap up nice and cozy: it's time for our podcast on "Holiday On Ice"! JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Alison tries to commit to treatment at Twin Oaks, but keeps getting static from Terry, an NFL star in her group who thinks she's being resistant to the process. After she confronts him about his third-grade-calibre attention-seeking, he admits that there's something to it: he's lashing out because he's also sexually compulsive, and he's drawn to her. When Billy doesn't appear at a special meeting for Twin Oaks clients to thank the people who got them to seek treatment (because, unbeknownst to Alison, Susan never gave him her message), Alison sneaks out and gets wasted, but Terry is waiting when she finds her way back, and helps keep her from getting kicked out. Once Billy finds out about Susan, the love triangle loses a side...but maybe Terry would like to replace her? Michael is hung up on Jane after their one-night-stand, and since he won't take "get lost" for an answer, she redirects the roses he sends her to the beach house, complete with card. Kimberly gives Michael an ultimatum, and he chooses their fam

Having canned Amanda for her leaking at the end of the last episode, Bruce is pretty sure he's righted D&D's ship and is ready to set sail with a bigger role for Alison (which...is maybe proof of the bad judgment that got him here). Then he finds out that a consortium of doctors has bought up so much stock that he's no longer majority shareholder. He's all set to prove to the new overlords that he's still fit to run the agency until he finds out the consortium is actually Peter, and that his replacement is Amanda. He does not take this news well! When Amanda takes over, she immediately promotes Billy and orders him to fire Alison -- who, by the way, is now drinking so much that she doesn't even remember all the abuse she's heaping on Billy and Susan. He seeks advice from Matt on how to proceed. Cue the intervention! Chris drives Sydney to Las Vegas, but instead of strong-arming her (or worse), he sets about seducing her, trying to impress her with lush accommodations and expensive clothes and jewellery. E

After being lucky (oof) enough to have found a mother at the hospital who's about to deliver a baby she knows is stillborn, Kimberly tells Jo it's time to set their plan in motion. Jo has concerns right up to the last minute, but since she also kind of has no other options, she goes through with it, and delivers a healthy baby. Kimberly then does her part marking the baby officially dead in the hospital's records and convincing the Carters' lawyer of what happened. From there...things kind of go left. Jane is thrilled to get that fat $500,000 cheque from Chris's company and trusts him to go ahead and deposit it into the account on which he is now a signatory, since she has a new line to design! Except, whoops, the next thing she knows she's getting called down to the bank to talk about the 20 or so cheques she's about to bounce on that account, which is now empty, thanks to Chris. What now?! Alison did not, in fact, kill that cyclist on Thanksgiving, but she blows above the legal limit at the scene and is imm

Zack encourages Alison to worry less about what her friends are saying about her recent behavior -- and her drinking, in particular -- and think more about what she really wants. Like a new car! How's she going to pay for the convertible she ends up with? She'll figure it out! Should she go with him to Santa Barbara when she has an early meeting the next day and the last time she did that she slept through her obligation? She sure shouldn't! Does she do it anyway? You bet! Does she end up in exactly the same predicament? Oh boy, does she ever. Since she's starting to get so sloppy that she's letting down her colleagues, she pretty much forces them to call her on it, but she is not ready to hear their fearless feedback at all. A shadowy underworld figure shows up at Shooters and starts threatening Jake with physical harm if he doesn't start paying into his protection racket. Jake refuses, but Sydney -- who knows these people don't screw around from her time with Lauren -- is more receptive to direct appeals wi

It's finally time for the custody hearing in which Jo will face off against the Carters. Apparently Jo's lawyer has just trusted that the character witnesses she's rounded up from the complex will be forceful and effective as opposed to the bunch of dimwitted tramps we know them to be, and puts them on the stand without, as far as we can tell, any kind of preparation or screening. So things already aren't going tremendously well even before Alison gets way too drunk the night before her testimony and messes up Jo's lawyer's big finish (which...somehow was not Jo herself? Seriously, this guy just may not know what he's doing). The reason Alison's out partying too much and ignoring her responsibilities is that she's picked up a drinking buddy -- Zack Phillips (Brian Bloom!), a cool record company executive. He's such a great distraction from her angst over Susan and Billy that he also distracts her from the power plays Amanda is running at the agency following Bruce's incapacitation from a sudden health crisis.

Instead of trying to figure out what the post-medical phase of his career is going to be, Michael is determined to return to his residency at Wilshire Memorial. The only problem is that he still hasn't figured out how to manipulate Peter -- but he won't need to, if he can just get Amanda to push Peter's buttons on Michael's behalf. Obviously Amanda isn't interested in helping Michael out of pure altruism, so she makes him an offer: if she can get Peter to rehire him, Michael will give her his share of Jane's company. There's a lot more blah blah business blah about this, but suffice it to say that a quasi-villain like Amanda should be a lot cannier about monologuing her process. Meanwhile, Jake and Sydney aren't aligned on how to proceed after sleeping together: he's really into her, and she's really worried about sucking him into the maelstrom that is her life. Susan and Alison try to start over in a spirit of honesty, with Susan dating Billy out in the open and Alison being okay with that. As anyone could h

After her assault by Chris, Sydney staggers back to Jake's to tell him what happened. This time he's ready to report the news directly to Jane instead of telling it to Jo and hoping it gets back to her, but he's not going to get the chance: Jane and Chris have gone to Las Vegas for the weekend, and when we rejoin them there, we find out that Chris is proceeding with his plans and proposing marriage, which she joyfully accepts! As soon as she hears where they are, Sydney knows what Chris is doing, and decides her best bet to derail his plans is to throw Michael at them -- officially because of their business association, but really because Michael will never stop trying to control Jane. Back in L.A., love is breaking out all over D&D! When Peter sends Amanda a giant bouquet of roses, she's put off by the gesture, but Alison encourages her to give him a chance. Peter's own attempt not to spook Amanda by asking her on a double date to the Hollywood Bowl leads Amanda to invite Billy and the lady of his choice

Sydney is still trying to tell Jane what's been going on between her and Chris and Jane is still steadfastly refusing to hear her. When Jake stops by the studio delivering papers from Amanda and Chris, assuming Jake is a courier, just casually tries to involve him in objectifying Sydney, Jake pushes back. He then reports this to Jo, apparently counting on her to pass it on to Jane, which Jo does...but Jane still doesn't believe it and just takes it back to Chris to spin for her, which he can easily do now that he's had a day and a half to firm up his story. Jane then goes to yell at Jake before kicking Sydney out of her apartment and firing her from the studio. Chris also used his time to get out ahead of his Jake blunder with Sydney's probation officer, who threatens to send Sydney back to the mental institution now that she's unemployed and homeless, which is why it's very handy that Jake has just used the reward money the FBI conveniently gave him for his part in apprehending Brittany to buy Shooters: he c

While Jo and Amanda fret about where he could have gone, Jake turns up at the door of one Vince Connors (total Hey! It's That Guy! Raymond J. Barry). They've never met, but they know each other: Connors is Jake's biological father. Connors thinks Jake is in town to shake him down, but Jake just wants to spend some time with him, so Connors invites him over for a family dinner under the pretext that Jake is his old frat brother's son. Mrs. Connors's hospitality overrides Jake's promise that he would blow town again as soon as the plates had been cleared. Will biological father and son be able to forge a relationship deeper than mere DNA? The show's writers remember that they seeded a storyline about Chris being horny for Sydney a couple of episode and get around to paying it off: he's making obscene phone calls and groping her when Jane can't see him, knowing that Sydney's credibility is nearly at an all-time low. After Alison's complaints about Elizabeth get her fired, Jo encourages Alison to move on like Bil

Now that Kimberly and Michael have gotten past the times each of them almost killed the other and are now fully committed to marriage, he's going to need to finalize his divorce from Sydney, as Kimberly reminds him. (Though the second she does, he lets her know that, actually, he doesn't want to leave Los Angeles the way she had planned for them to do before he got his memory back, and also, he expects her to start waiting on him like a good little wifey, so how much she will still want to be the third Mrs. Mancini after a few weeks of this treatment is tbd.) Sydney tries to play hardball but can't think of anything Michael could give her. Chris can: Michael could give her his share of Jane's business, which Sydney could then sell back to Jane. Sydney seems ambivalent of giving Jane a win, and resists Jane's calls not to negotiate with Michael without a lawyer present, but for the second time in two episodes, people trying to represent themselves really do have fools for clients! After receiving a mysterious

Amanda is none too pleased to have her fugitive dad couch-surfing with her, particularly given that she was once at risk of catching a charge when he went on the lam in the first place. (Brittany seems to be getting pretty sick of him too, for different reasons.) But when Palmer tells Amanda that he's come back to town to tie up the last few loose ends that might still leave her in extra-legal danger -- and then he's going to turn himself in -- she agrees to aid and abet him for just a couple of days. What could possibly go wrong? Jane, apparently convinced that Sydney's two days in a mental institution cured whatever had ailed her before, is being extremely kind to her now that she's out, but Sydney's not trying to hear her advice that she stay away from Michael for all their sakes. Jane turns out to be right about Michael, though not for the reason she thinks. She also turns out not to have gotten any better at choosing partners, though the only one who knows that so far is Sydney, on the receiving end of C

While doing her best, by day, to convince officials at the mental hospital that she isn't insane and that her claims about Kimberly's guilt in Michael's attempted murder should be taken seriously, Sydney uses a brief moment of unattended time at night to call Matt and beg him to look into Kimberly. And he does! While Jane is at the beach house having Michael sign papers for Chris's deal -- and causing him to remember some of their good times, in the process, to Kimberly's chagrin -- Matt's inside looking for evidence that something's up with Kimberly, which he finds in the form of her backup wig in the bathroom. Will it be enough?! Alison gets back from Wisconsin to find out that...the dude she left at the altar is now working one cubicle away from her. Amanda's forcing them to work together seems calculated to ensure that they will be reminded of what kept them from eloping in the first place. And as the contours of Brittany and Palmer's scheme against Jake reveal themselves, Jo gets an unwelcome visit from

With a new detective working on Michael's case, it would probably behoove Sydney to have legal representation other than a public defender, which is why it's a good thing Mr. Andrews (Ken Howard!) has come to town to help the cause. It's less good -- for Sydney, anyway -- that he doesn't really believe her protestations of innocence and is urging her to work with the DA to get her charges reduced. Then he lands on a whole different plan to keep her out of jail that she might like even less. Kimberly seems to have convinced Chambers, the new detective, that she's a completely credible doctor and Sydney is an unstable wacko who tried to use her for an alibi; she's also feeding Michael confusing stories about his past and letting Matt know she would prefer it if he didn't try to stop by and see Michael when she's not there. Alison apparently did convince Meredith -- in another one of those fraught emotional conversations that inconveniently happened offscreen -- to join her in pursuing legal action, which both a

When Meredith goes out to pick up dinner and also take a break from Alison haranguing her to process her abusive childhood the way Alison (who only became fully conscious of her own about three days ago) thinks she should, Mr. Parker sneaks into the house, accosts Alison, and starts trying to talk her into returning to Billy so that she can keep up appearances for the sake of the family, as she's always done in the past. Little does he know that Meredith has a gun! And Billy is also there, suddenly, to help, kind of! In the aftermath, Alison wants to talk about pressing charges against Mr. Parker, but Meredith just wants to cut ties, again, and put this unpleasantness behind them. Once they're back in L.A., Billy eventually tells Alison he thinks Meredith is right. But does Alison? Kimberly rushes to Michael's bedside straight from having spent several hours all alone at the USC library, just in time for him to go in for emergency surgery on his cerebral swelling! Sydney gets home to find the complex swarming

After Sydney gets roughed up by some sex workers for horning in on their turf and ends up in the ER, Kimberly decides that she should also get the chance to take revenge on Michael and enlists her in her planning to, you know, end his life. Sydney may not have quite the stomach for it, but no matter: Kimberly's got enough focus for both of them, even braiding in Jane when the original Mrs. Mancini gets an appealing business offer she needs Michael's sign-off to pursue. It's also Billy and Alison's wedding weekend! Billy's college friend Rob comes to town to serve as Best Man, and when Billy palms him off on Matt for an afternoon, Matt learns just how accurate that title is -- only Billy didn't realize Rob was into guys until before happening to see Matt and Rob kissing in the courtyard. Also coming to town for the nuptials are Alison's parents, but not Meredith, Alison's sister whom we've never heard her mention before, possibly because she left home as soon as she could and basically never came back. HMMMMM.

In our final "lost episode" from A Very Special 90210 Book, David and Donna might be headed for their 500th breakup; Steve, a college senior, finally hears tell of weed; and as Tracy careens toward a gigantic Valentine's Day disappointment courtesy of Brandon, Valerie's mother comes to town to give Val PTSD. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Kimberly is basically the perfect fiancée to Michael -- not just reviewing the paperwork from Jane's company and determining that it's sketchy as hell, but also volunteering to go over there and yell at Jane about it; screening an appendectomy patient and getting all the necessary information into his chart before surgery. So then...why in the world would Kimberly conceal that very patient's drug allergy such that it would lead Michael to make a potentially dangerous error in his treatment? Well, probably the same reason that Dr. Levin, who suspects that she did, pretends not to know and proceed with an investigation into Michael's actions that doesn't implicate Kimberly at all: they each have an axe to grind against him. Jo and her pregnancy turn out to be fine after Sarah's boyfriend caused her to fall down the stairs, but other kinds of trouble arise: Amanda is jealous of all the time Jake is spending with Jo (and doesn't care that, as he reminds her, Jo doesn't have anyone else to do it), and Jake is conf