Failure To Launch

In this final instalment of The Summer Of Joe Lara, Rookie Cop Joe *EXPLOSION* his greatest foe; a beefier, taller version of *MASSIVE SHOOTOUT* incredible hair. Just when Joe thinks *FLAMETHROWER* in jail forever, this anarchist-terrorist *BIGGER EXPLOSION* a Hologram Terrorist! *LASER PISTOLS* Joe must *MAD MAX-STYLE RAMMING TRUCK* before he *6 COP CARS EXPLODE* a hologram too! *FORCE LIGHTNING* until *RETIRING COP DIES* *COPS WITH MACHINE GUNS* *ARMS RIPPED OFF* *MULTIPLE RUBBER MASKS* he *COP STANDING ON CAR SHOOTING AT LEAST 20 CRIMINALS DEAD* until *ACTORS WHO CAN’T DELIVER ZINGERS DELIVERING ZINGERS* *FORGETTABLE EXPLOSIONS* *HOLOGRAM BATTLE* *LIMO EXPLOSION* Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage Soundboard: *EXPLOSION*

Our second Joe Jaunt™ is a piece from the twilight of his cinema career, Starfire Mutiny, another post-apocalyptic sci fi, this time with a complete absence of American Cyborgs (boooo.) Joe captains the USS Legacy, a massive cryo ship orbiting a dead Earth, holding the last remnants of humanity in stasis. It's a dull life; a good part of his day to day job is porn distribution (seriously.) But when a band of space pirates show up, led by the world's most low energy white supremacist, things quickly get even more boring and extremely sleazy goddamn this film is dogshit. Reviewers: James Ferris, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Lisa Dib

Longtime Failure to Launch listeners will be familiar with the work of Joe Lara, either as Tarzan in Tarzan in Manhattan or DJ Matt in Danger Island. You’ll also be aware of our undying affection for the man, and his superb list of b-movie credits on IMDB: STEEL FRONTIER. HOLOGRAM MAN. FINAL EQUINOX. VERY MEAN MEN. Despite the fact that these are films, not TV pilots, we at Failure to Launch could not leave these glorious titles unexamined. So, over this Australian summer, we’re submersing ourselves in the waters of Joe Lara’s oeuvre (which, turns out, is full of cyborgs.) First cab off the rank is American Cyborg: Steel Warrior, a post-apocalyptic tale in which Joe, The Man With No Name Who’s Name Is Austin, must save a young woman and her very-dead-looking-fetus-in-a-tube from a killer cyborg with a killer moustache. It’s everything you’d hope it to be; cheap, ambitious, produced by the guys who did Superman IV and Over The Top (the Stallone film about arm wrestling), and it has Joe Lara! Get listening.

In this week's episode of Failure to Launch we follow undercover agent Delilah (Kim Cattrall, Sex in the City) working with Billy Zane (Billy Zane, BILLY FUCKING ZANE) to take down a weapon smuggling crime boss from the inside. But when her cover is blown, a deadly game of cat and mou... nope, nevermind, they kill her straight away. Delilah is brought back to life with a science montage and turned into a crime fighting machine (literally). As Delilah and BILLY ZANE (Billy Zane!) work together to stop a terrorist getting his hands on a nuclear weapon, the sparks fly (literally) as the bad guys wilt under Delilah's (literally) steely gaze and massive structural damage (literally). Did we mention Billy Zane is in this? Running Delilah - IMDB Running Delilah - Wiki Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone Soundboard: David Shaw

1979 was the perfect time to cash in on the Star Wars craze, so what better way than to make the Beverly Hillbillies in the Mos Eisley Cantina. We follow the Mcallisters getting through breakfast, a singer desperate for a job, a talent agent who can't get no respect, a megalomaniacal Billionaire intent on buying up all the apple pies, a pair of very sexual Scottish robots and a black guy punching a really big egg. This may be one of the most insane shows we've ever seen. So get yourself some apple pie, a nice warm glass of merk (yes, merk), and relax to our screams of confusion. It's a doozy. IMDB - Starstruck Den of Geek - Interview with Starstruck VFX Artist Chuck Cirino Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: David Shaw

This week’s Failure to Launch sees the return of a horse of course. Of course, if you’re making a show about a talking horse, of course that horse will be a family-friendly lovable horse, unless of course that horse is Mr. Ed. Fearing that the concept may be a bit dated for modern audiences, Fox cast George Jefferson himself (or at least Sherman Hemsley), to transform Mr. Ed from a talking horse into a straight-talking horse. Apparently in 2004, we really wanted Mr. Ed to be edgy. If you’ve ever thought; “If only Mr. Ed was a misogynistic homophobe that spoke endlessly about his sex-life and fifteen year-old girls”, then you have some serious issues that need resolving, but this is also the perfect show for you. Because for the next 19 minutes, this is exactly what we get. Meanwhile, Wilbur Pope, has a problem (well he has many problems but we’ll get to those later); his fifteen year-old daughter has gone to a club and vomited, so naturally, he upends his entire family from New York and moves them to the kidn

This week’s Failure to Launch journeys NOT to the center of the Earth, but just a bit under it to The Inner World, a land of miniature sets, puppet Space Manta Rays and liberal Yetis. After his uncle Harlech’s attempt to get to this Inner World fails (spectacularly, if also predictably), Captain Chris Turner assembles a crew of generic TV sci-fi types, the world’s most English Englishman and one really angry bloke and sets off after him. At least, we think for him. They’re also after the supposed treasures of the Inner World, which include new food sources, limitless energy and space age technology, all of which their ship already has oh fuck this thing is a glorious mess just listen we’ll do our best to explain. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: David Shaw

This week’s episode sees the return of Failure to Launches most divisive star, Jessica Simpson, in a 2004 pilot built on one simple fact of life; Beautiful women will instantly turn any male into a desperate blabbering idiot and any woman into a raging ball of jealousy. We meet Holly and Joe, two snobbish, intellectually elitist journalists - who we’re supposed to love I think? - who are forced to work with the kind-hearted, yet dumb as a post singer Jessica Sampson. Cruel sniping and hilarious workplace sexual harassment ensues. And although the show might occasionally get a little un-pc, in the end it pulls together for a heartfelt message that all young women, nay all people can rally behind; Ladies, if you want a man to like you (and we know that every single one of you thinks about nothing but that at all hours of the day) then don’t talk to him, let him get to know the real you and use that mouth for smiling. Not talking. Boys hate that. So join us as we become frequently distracted from the barely exis

Portrayed by Norman Bates himself, the great Anthony Perkins absolutely nails this surprisingly ok three camera sitcom. We follow Elizabeth (Anthony's new wife) as she tries to adjust to life with the Stracks and living in the shadow of a massive portrait of Anthony's deceased wife. When Elizabeth takes down the painting and unleashes Anthony's ex wife's spirit it's up to Anthony to look dead into the camera and make puns with the speed and determination of a serial killer. We absolutely loved this bizzare Adams family meets Married with children-esque show and we're sure you will too. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: David Shaw

Guests Michael Williams and Sarah Baggs (of Pop Quiz Hot Shot and It’s A Duck Blur fame) join us to ask the question: Is the new Benedict Cumberbatch movie the true live action Dr. Strange, or does it need more boring lasers, villainous poops and guys called Wong who definitely aren’t servants? When the aforementioned evil poo sends Morgan le Fay to Earth on a mission to kill the Sorcerer Supreme, it’s up to Dr Strange to try to get laid and kinda hope that lines up with stopping le Fay. This makes sense, because this was made in 1978 - the hair is 70s, the special effects are 70s, the racism/sexism is 70s etc. This is maybe the most 70s thing we’ve watched. Either way, before you go see the new Dr Strange, give this a listen first. Nothing improves a film like lowered expectations. You’re welcome. Reviewers: James Ferris, Michael Williams, Sarah Baggs & Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry IMDB - Dr. Strange Wiki - Dr. Strange

Ever wondered what it would be like to run a circus? Chartered Accountant Mac Galpin hadn’t, but that didn’t prevent him from ‘accidentally’ buying one, deciding to run it rather than on-selling the assets and forcing his family to join him on this foolhardy quest, as pre-2000s TV dads were want to do. This is the premise of Sawdust, another pilot from the late-80s CBS Summer Playhouse (oh, how we love you, you bottomless shitbarrel.) That said, it’s less about circus administration and more about… unionised workforces versus the ruling class? I think? Also, there’s a sexy gorilla at one point. There’s a lot going on, and not much going on at the same time. This is the paradox of bad television, and Sawdust does not disappoint. Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, David Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Cam Tyeson joins us to discover: What happens when you take the star power and sex appeal of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and replace it with the, um... general pleasantness of Jordana Brewster and Martin Henderson? The answer is domestic abuse, sadly. Go figure. Brewster and Henderson fill in for the roles as Jane and John Smith, an average suburban couple who are secretly highly paid contract killers and who less secretly hate each other. When John loses his job, this former professional murderer decides to reroute that energy into obsessively stalking his own wife. Sounds like an improvement, right? (It’s not.) So join us as we watch these two crazy lovebirds bicker and kill their way across Prague. It's a wacky and romantic action adventure with a hero who impulsive backhands his wife in the mouth when she disobeys him. If you love laughs, thrills and potentially fatal spousal abuse then what's wrong with you? Seriously, thats awful. Why would you like that? Get some help. But you'll probably dig this epi

To make any sense of Justice League of America, you need to remember that Lois and Clark was a big thing. Which is why there’s no Superman. Batman and Robin was also a thing, so there’s no Batman. Lois and Clark being a thing might also explain why the pilot’s mostly about relationships rather than, I dunno, superhero stuff. Lois and Clark doesn’t explain the stalking though. Or the JLA kidnapping people. Or the odd casting choices. Or why the writers couldn’t think of anything remotely useful for the Atom to do. The 90s does explain David Krumholtz, though. We love you, David Krumholtz.   IMDB - Justice League of America Wiki - Justice League of America Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, Lisa Dib, David Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

What to say about Parallels? I could tell you about how the most sympathetic character in the show is gun toting conspiracy theorist, who sets out to bomb his own people with nuclear weapons. I could tell you that the main characters are a desperate whining loser with an severely unhealthy crush, a violent bully without a Facebook account and a bratty sociopath who considers their impending death a time to make jokes and get laid. These are our heroes. So likeable! I could tell you about how these monstrous jerks end up in a magical skyscraper, chasing their mysterious (and frankly deranged) father across a multiverse of parallel universes, while being chased by three of the ugliest sons of bitches you've ever seen. Just… damn. Those dudes. Gross. But all I really need to tell you is that it's Sliders. It's just basically Sliders and that was alright wasn't it? Yeah this is kind of alright too I suppose. Oh also I think there's a girl in there or something. She might be brunette. I'm not sure, they didn't rea

Talent shows are the shredded iceberg lettuce to broadcast TVs salad; a great space filler that, while nutritionally void, is hard to get wrong. You just need talent, or failing that, star power. (Alternately, core it first, remove the thinnest leaves, chop finely and refrigerate until serving #icebergtips) But what if you have neither? Well, you get Secret Talents of the Stars, a show where you can watch B to C list celebrities a) do something one step removed from what they’re already famous for, b) do something they’re not great at, or c) do something they’re really quite bad at. (Alternately, a) rocket lettuce can work if dressed to counter it’s iron-rich bitterness, b) carrots & radish, grated at length and topped with ginger and lime zest is a Thai-inspired delight, or c) cabbage is a reasonable swap, but be sure to finely slice any coarse leaves to prevent them from overwhelming any subtler flavours in your salad #greensRgreat) Or, d) watch George Takei put on a cowboy hat and have some dickhead hu

Ever heard of The Bradys? In 1990, ABC were kicking afternoon butt with the Full House/Family Matters power hour, and CBS needed something to compete. Why not steal ABCs own Brady Family and use them against ABC? Starring the original now-20-years-older cast, The Bradys reworked the original sitcom into a dramedy, with the following setup: - Bobby is a former racecar driver, paraplegic after a crash - Peter is trapped in an abusive relationship - Jan and her partner are unable to conceive - Marcia is an alcoholic whose husband is fired by Mike It still had a laugh track. The show was canned after 6 episodes due to poor ratings. Some suggest that Uncle Jesse and Urkel were a source of unlimited power foolishly squandered, but others suspect a) the characters were worn out and b) even i they weren’t no-one wanted to see the most innocent characters TV ever saw thrust into such cartoonishly adult situations. If this sounds like a colossal train wreck, bear this in mind; NBC tried to do the same thing with Archie

Dean Cain plays a Louisiana cop who is also a priest and a little league coach. But things get complicated when he shoots down one of his former baseball players, putting him under investigation by internal affairs. Things become additionally complicated when his ex lover is embroiled in a political scandal of murder and blackmail. Things get really complicated when he starts being haunted by the ghost of Robert Patrick who doesn't seem to want to help with anything at all. Shit gets just plain messy when that ghost cop has his own murder at the hands of prohibition era gangsters to solve and finally everything just basically falls apart when his partner starts telling him stories about alligators. How do all these events tie together? They don't. But it's Dean Cain! Isn't he great?   IMDB - Rag and Bone   Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: David Shaw

Here’s the scenario; You’re writer/director Roger Avary. It’s 1995. In the last two years, you’ve won a Best Original Screenplay oscar (Pulp Fiction) and had a successful directorial debut (Killing Zoe). For your next project, you’ll be working with Rutger Hauer (Blade Runner) on a modern reboot of Frankenstein he’s producing and starring in. Ron Perlman (The City of Lost Children, Hellboy) and Wil Wheaton (Star Trek: TNG) are also attached. What could go wrong? Just about everything. Awful dialogue, Year 8 pseudo-philosophy, inexplicable giant floating eyeballs and 40 goddamn minutes spent in a white void. There were severe ‘creative differences’ on set, and it shows. A waste of a Ron Jeremy cameo (Porn). Reviewers: James Ferris, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Lisa Dib Show Notes: Mr. Stitch - Wikipedia Mr. Stitch - IMDB Review - Entertainment Weekly Wil Wheaton’s Blog about Ron Jeremy

In 1994, the indie film Clerks won Kevin Smith critical acclaim and the beginnings of a cult following, praised for it’s witty writing and authentic voice. Touchstone attempted to capitalise on the film’s success by snapping up the TV rights and producing a pilot. Trouble is, they wanted a family sitcom. So, uh, try to imagine Clerks without Jay & Silent Bob. Or swear words. Or sex talk. They also took all the charm out and made everyone a jerk. That didn’t seem totally necessary for a sitcom, I think that’s what they thought Clerks brought to the table? Either way, it’s shit.   IMDB - Clerks (TV Pilot) Lost Media Wiki - Clerks (TV Pilot)   Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Alex Franco is a tough New York cop investigating a rape and murder (like in Nikki & Nora) who gets frozen (like in 1994 Baker Street) and travels through time (like in Out of Time) to a dystopic future where all the world’s terrorists have banded together (like in Nick Fury) and the cops use stupid guns (like in 17th Precinct) and unrealistic gene therapy (like in Fearless). He has to team up with a distant relative (like in Out of Time again) who is now a dog (Poochinski, K-9000) to solve crimes whilst on a dirt bike (Evel Knievel) and wearing synthetic skin (Darkman) for a reality TV show (Hollyweird) about a fight between Angel and Demon-themed professional wrestlers (Earth Angels, Tag Team). Okay, I started making things up somewhere in there, but this really is a Failure to Launch Cop Show Pilot greatest hits album.   NYPD 2069 - IMDB Reviewers: James Ferris, Timothy Clark, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry