Failure To Launch

Welcome to Shangri-La Plaza, an all singing, all dancing strip mall where everything you need is under one roof. Provided you're somehow capable of sustaining yourself on donuts, frozen yogurt and child neglect. Along for the ride is the world's most indignant cafe employee (who is as likeable as she sounds), a crippled gang leader (who is even less threatening than he sounds) and a precocious 8 year old (who is actually fine. We've got no beef with her).   Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week's Failure to Launch examines an attempt to reboot 1965's Lost in Space for the early 2000s. As with any reworking of a series with a strong, loyal fan base, it's important to carefully examine the source material, find the elements that made the show work, then make those elements the core of a modern, exciting retelling, that pays loving homage to the original series. Thing is, the element they took from the original was Dad Knows Best™. And what Dad reckons sounds best is uprooting his family and dragging them across killer alien-infested space to start a new life on a farming colony, even though his family's opinion on the matter ranges from "I'd rather not" to "I will never forgive you for this", and there's no particular reason to go beyond Dad Knows Best™. Dad may be legitimately insane.   Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry   WARNING: This episode contains multiple Nathan Cavaleri references. Apologies to people who didn't grow up in Australia in the

In further proof that The Consumption will watch anything that Billy Zane puts his name to, we travel this week to the vast fantasy world of Robert Jordan's 14-volume Wheel of Time series. Or, rather, one house in the vast fantasy world of Robert Jordan's 14-volume Wheel of Time series. Or one smoke filled room in one house in the vast fantasy world of Robert Jordan's 14-volume Wheel of Time. It's the story of one man's desperate search for his wife and family, which ends in anticlimax when it turns out he's just playing hide and seek. Or tragedy when you consider that he's hallucinating and murdered them days ago. Either way, we'd watch paint dry if the paint was played by Billy Zane. He could do it too. He's got the range.   Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

How about a modern adaption of a literary classic, created by Martin Scorsese & Dean Koontz, starring Parker Posey and Adam Goldberg? Sound good? It sure sounded good to USA Network in 2004. Except all they got out of it was your standard gritty cop show. Except it stars a modern day Frankenstien. Except he's not called Frankenstien. Except the show is called Frankenstien. Except there's...  God dammit, this thing's a mess.   Reviewers: James Ferris, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone Soundboard: David Shaw

What do you think of when you think of Nick Fury? War hero? Super spy? Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D? Well, in the 90’s, he was all of those, only he was still a smoker. Oh, and he was played by DAVID FREAKIN’ HASSELHOFF. In ’98 the former Baywatch star played the comic book legend in a portrayal that Stan Lee and The Hoff himself agreed was better than “that other guy”. No one else did, apart from a few bad poetry enthusiasts and hobbyist miners.   Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage Soundboard: David Shaw

For everyone who watched Stargate and thought, "I wish this had more Nazis!", comes "The Time Tunnel". A remake of the classic 60s sci-fi series in which a group of scientists, soldiers and a polygraph operator with a peanut obsession travel through time, saving history from the reality warping effects of a "time storm". So if you're curious about what would happen if New Jersey didn't exist, what the hell a "time storm" is or what it it takes to make Ferris sympathise with Nazis, then this episode is for you!   Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage Soundboard: David Shaw   *Episode now includes the clip explaining "the 240", which was previously erased from time by a Belgian.

The season 2 premiere of Failure to Launch examines the pilot for Tarzan In Manhattan, a fun, light hearted romp involving murder, animal torture and post-traumatic stress disorder. When Tarzan’s ape-mum (she was in the book), played by some dude in a gorilla suit (not in the book), is shot and inexplicably left behind by poachers, Tarzan heads for the Big Apple to track down her assassins (sort of in the book). Along the way he meets Jane (she was in the book), a tough New York cabbie (not like that though) and her dad, a PTSD-suffering ex-cop private detective whose favourite disguise is Elizabethan dandy (fuck the book at this point). Can Tarzan keep his clothes on long enough to find his mother’s killer and rescue his chimpanzee friend before Jane’s dad shoots yet another person with one of the several guns he probably shouldn’t own?   Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, David Shaw   Soundboard: Andrew Cherry  

In this Christmas themed season finale of Failure to Launch, we examine the pilot for Miracle Man. An independently produced pilot, shopped to a few Christian networks, the series asked the question, quote, "What would it look like if Jesus came today?" By "came", they mean lived in Phoenix repairing foreclosed houses, running a faith healing/prayer group out the back of some store that's totally not a cult, saving children from car accidents with his psychic powers,* and not bothering to use those powers when blue demons arrange for his Best Buddy™ Lazarus to die in a car accident as a way to crush JC's will.  Luckily for JC, he doesn't really care if his friends die, so... all good. *Yep.   Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lucy Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Terminator fans and robot fetishists rejoice! This week's pilot features a secret conspiracy of world domination, and an inexplicably British protagonist who sleeps with not one but two lady robots. In 1986 NBC commissioned Annihilator, a pilot about a man who discovers that humans are being replaced by dog killing, limb severing, chain smoking robot dopple-gangers. Obviously, his immediate reaction is to tell everyone and act completely surprised when nobody believes him. His second plan is to perform a ridiculous amount of property damage, trust anyone who puts out, and then frame his crimes on homeless people. Longtime listeners will understand this - get ready for an Invincible-level pilot.   Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, Alex Malone, David Shaw Soundboard: Harry Brimage

It was 1992, and NBC aired a made-for-TV movie (code for failed pilot) based around a crime fighting robot dinosaur. You would think that NBC's blatant cash in on Robosaurus' popularity would actually feature the 2.2 million dollar car eating machine, but if you've been listening to our show then you should know better. In a post global warming future (it's a little bit warm), we follow the story of David Nash, an ace cop trying (and failing) to come to terms with the death of his child. He puts everything in jeopardy to pursue his son's killer, a man who pretends to be a Colonel and has a warehouse full of super suspicious boxes. Then Nash meets a man who claims to be magic and ejaculates up the ghost of his dead son in the form of a giant robot Dinosaur after he learns to believe in himself. Not a comedy.   Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Fabian Lapham Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Earlier this year, Amazon boldly invested in a TV pilot that tried to dissuade their customers from using the Internet. Unfortunately/fortunately for Amazon their risk didn't pay off, and now we may never really know the mysteries of the "Hysteria" universe.  A universe where everyone freaks out over a contagion that only infects three people (maybe). A universe where Laura San Giacomo plays an elderly grandmother. A universe where the only cure for this mystery illness is not spending 9 hours at your computer watching the same YouTube video. Might not be that implausible though, considering we live in a universe where a show that thinks a viral video could spread an actual virus was made in 2014 by an internet-based company.   Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Alex Malone

Anne Rice is one of the most beloved horror authors of the modern era. After the runaway success of her Vampire Chronicles, the middling success of her Lives of the Mayfair Witches and the bewildering publication of her middle school diary, Rice was ready to move to TV!  In 2001, she wrote the pilot for the original series, Earth Angels, detailing the secret war between armies of Angels and Demons for the souls of all mankind. Although, it's not really a war. More of a series of petty spats and arguments. And there's really no armies, more like a volleyball team's worth of angels and, like, 3 demons, absolute max. And it's not really a TV show, because in a TV show stuff happens. But it does have Krycek from the X-Files. So, there's that.   Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, David Shaw Soundboard: Fabian Lapham

1994 was a big year for TV. ER. Friends. The episode of Ellen where she dated Nitro from American Gladiators. Which could explain how CBS executives dared to pass on the pilot for Sherlock Holmes Returns, in which the world's greatest detective is unfrozen in 1994 San Francisco to solve a series of  murders that involve throwing tigers at people. With a wit as sharp as Holmes himself and an enthusiasm as pure as the drugs he'll fight you for, this show will change the way you think about cement trucks full of beetles.   Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, David Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

It was 1996, and Marvel wanted to do a live-action X-Men TV series. But these weren't your granddad’s X-Men! Heck no! These were hip, young X-Men that no one's ever heard of or cares about, with amazing new powers like sexual harassment, kinda ripping off Cyclops and being quite muscular for a girl!  When these kids go up against a dream invading pedophile (it doesn't come up much, but it's in there) it's thrill-a-minute stuff, packed with high impact diatribes about new age meditation techniques and electrifying casual misogyny!   Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

After Psycho 3 flopped at the box office in 1986, Universal thought TV might be a better home for the Psycho series. The success of 2014's Bates Motel suggests that Universal had hit upon a good idea. It's the other ideas they had, though. Like Lori Petty's chicken suit. Or Robert Picardo's mental health treatment plan. Or Moses Gunn's armed standoff with the police that no one cares about. Or the sleazy 80s Banker's plan for the Bates Motel. Or the bit where a 35 year old woman almost makes out with 17ish year old Jason Bateman.  It's these other ideas that form the batshit curio that is 1987's Bates Motel. It wasn't picked up. You won't wonder why.   Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage Soundboard: David Shaw

In 2005, the unaired pilot for Global Frequency gained a little infamy; it was one of the first TV pilots to ever leak onto the internet. The WB had already passed on the pilot, so it's possible whoever leaked it was trying to get the network to change their minds.  According to Warren Ellis, who created the comic this series was based on, the leaking annoyed the WB execs so much they killed the entire project, despite a positive reception it received from those who torrented it. That is possible, but with all due respect to Warren Ellis*, it may also have been killed because The WB wasn't interested in a show about a spy agency who specialises in conference calls. *Seriously. Go read Transmetropolitan. Or Supergod. They're amazing.   Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, David Shaw, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: Fabian Lapham

The year is 2025. The Hawaiian Liberation Organisation wants Hawaii to secede from the North American Alliance. War seems inevitable, until Dean Cain, the most popular man in the world, steps in and announces the war will be decided by a game of FutureSport, the dumbest fictional sport since Quiddich. The world agrees to this. Turns out, in 2025, every man, woman & child in the world is a goddamn idiot.   Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Gaia Moore (Rachael Leigh Cook) was born without the gene for fear (not a thing). Because of this, her body doesn't produce adrenaline, so she has heightened strength and reflexes (also not a thing). The FBI send her undercover into an identity theft ring who are convinced she's not a cop because she's not scared of stuff (maybe a thing? Are hackers really dumb?) Turns out, not feeling fear isn't all that useful. Even against milk*. *Just listen to the podcast. We'll try to explain.   Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage Soundboard: David Shaw

In January 2006, ABC had a lot invested in Emily's Reasons Why Not. A racy, light-hearted comedy in the vein of Sex and the City, starring Heather Graham at the peak of her fame, and based on a best selling novel. They spent millions on publicity, covered Los Angeles and Times Square in billboards and dropped it into a prime spot as the centrepiece of their post-football Monday night prime time. Then, after airing only a single episode, it was yanked from the air and disappeared immediately. Some say their decision was a little rash. Too little too late, if you ask us.   Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Episode S01E15 of Failure to Launch is here, and it completes our "Supernatural: Before They Were Famous" pilot collection. Still Life follows the Morgan family, as they struggle with the death of the eldest child, killed on his first day on the police force. It's like 7th Heaven, if it was darker and had more people in strip clubs talking about the time a building collapsed inside their bodies or something.   Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: Harry Brimage