Again With This: Beverly Hills, 90210

Matt and Kelly are joyously affianced for about five minutes before a crisis strikes: Matt's rich client, Mr. Behr, decides to settle his lawsuit, meaning he'll no longer need Matt on retainer. Unfortunately, Matt immediately turned around and spent that retainer on Kelly's ring. Gina, hired back on as Matt's assistant, goes to the only rich person she's still talking to and who'll give her $15,000, no questions asked. However, Matt's smart enough to figure out where she got it, and Dylan's smart enough to figure out whom it's for, and the dick-measuring contest has to go into triple overtime. What will Kelly do when Matt comes clean? And will Dylan get his shit together in time for Maddy's christening?! Noah and Donna are embarking on single life in rather different ways: Noah has made a whole new party posse and is drinking himself into oblivion nightly, while Donna decides to take David's advice and give Java Hut manager Mark a chance to take her out. Does their date end bitterly, with burned tongues all a

After weeks of vacillation between pushing Kelly away and letting her hook him again with her youthful feminine wiles, Jake finally decides to cut things off with her definitively. Because it's a soap, this happens not with an honest conversation and/or appeal to the criminal code, but through moderate subterfuge Kelly might just be too inexperienced to see through. When Michael has to punk out on his plans to celebrate his and Jane's three-month anniversary (no) of moving to L.A. (why?), she lets her female neighbours talk her into enjoying a night out on her own. Alas, this soon escalates to a screwball plan to pass herself off as a single woman and prove she can still pick up dudes, in the course of which she loses her heirloom wedding ring. Billy has read about seven-figure screenplay sales and therefore abandoned his plans to be a novelist and written a script instead. Has he ever done so before? No. Is he still confident enough to drop it off with prospective agents the day after finishing it? Well, he'

Dr. and Mrs. Martin are, under some pressure from Donna, trying to integrate Gina into their lives -- which, in the immediate future, means their Christmas festivities. Of course she's invited to the family celebration on Christmas Day, but though Donna is hot for Gina to come to the Martins' big Christmas Eve party, her parents are still worried about how they'd introduce Gina to all their boring old judgmental friends. When Gina lets them off the hook by saying she doesn't want to attend, Felice finds her at the hotel to bust out the old checkbook and buy Gina a better attitude. At the same time, Donna is trying to forgive not just her parents' lies but Noah's, because it turns out his constant assertions that he's "over" causing the death of his fiancée aren't getting Donna there any faster. Despite her attempts to get herself out of it, Kelly is still in a love triangle with Matt, the steady lawyer who will apparently put up with all her crap, and Dylan, the hothead who'll punch a cranky neighbor and then

We're so early in the run of Melrose Place that the Mancinis are having the kind of banal problems that any married couple might have: are they past the romance phase of their relationship? Can they survive the challenges of Michael's busy schedule as a doctor and an apartment building manager? Can he really have forgotten the moment he knew he was in love with Jane? As a counterpoint to how things are between partners who are settled, we have Billy, who takes a gig as a cab driver, where his very first fare is a woman named Marcy who has nothing better to do than hang out with Billy marveling at how much they have in common and imposing herself on his increasingly testy roommate. Billy very quickly moves from defending whatever he and Marcy have against Alison's judgmental glares to realizing that Marcy is way too into him way too fast. Jake is still unemployed, and taking his frustrations out on everyone within yelling distance, from Michael (who hasn't fixed Jake's hot water despite weeks' worth of complai

Donna has managed to avoid telling Gina the truth about her biological parentage for days -- weeks longer than any dumb baby should be expected to -- and finally finds a quiet moment to get Gina alone and spill it. Gina is, of course, horrified; she tells Donna she hates her; tells David she wants to be alone; then tells Dylan she doesn't want to be alone. Dylan is in her room when David comes by, and when he stomps off in such a huff that both Gina and Dylan follow him to try to explain, David gets a little too physical than he probably should while he's anywhere near the valet stand. But David and Gina aren't the only ones Dylan's busting up: he also buys Kelly a painting she likes, sending Matt into more paroxysms of insecurity when he does a little investigating, finds out that it cost $16,000, and gives Kelly the 5000th ultimatum of their relationship. When Donna can't shut up about how important it is to be honest and not to keep shameful secrets, Noah finally admits that the reason he's not interested

Beverly Hills, 90210's back door opens onto Melrose Place, a hip apartment complex occupied by a demographically diverse group of cool twentysomethings with gritty problems of the sort the West Beverly High gang could scarcely imagine. Jake tries his best to get rid of Kelly by telling her not that "dating" her would be a literal crime, but that he's stressed about where his next job is coming from. This doesn't actually work, as she continues stalking him until Donna, David, and Steve are all moved to follow her on her date (at Shooters, oy) to try to embarrass her into getting a grip. Alison, whose old roommate has fled in the night and stuck her with the whole month's rent, scrambles to replace her; circumstances (a bunch of terrible applicants) force her to accept her first ever male roommate -- aspiring writer Billy. Managing his guy-ness while also navigating the "mentorship" of a D&D exec make this a very stressful few days for the pride of the University of Wisconsin. Rounding out the cast, we mee

Jackie and Mel's relationship seems to be over for realsies this time, and even though our main cast are all well into their twenties, almost all of them are affected. Matt is representing Jackie in the separation and custody proceedings, so he has Kelly in his ear trying to make sure Erin is shielded, as much as possible, from the fallout. Her general bad mood also has her bristling against her new roommate Noah and overreacting to his intrusions. Jackie also reveals that Gina was the one who told her about Mel's strip party attendance after he quit paying her hush money, which puts her on the outs with most members of the gang -- particularly David, who believes her denials until Mel confirms it. Dylan continues inserting himself into Andrew's career crisis, braying at community center co-director Patsy and trying to get Andrew reinstated by threatening to withdraw his financial support. Surprise! This makes things worse. Steve and Janet go on a STUFF-stuffed honeymoon, which (no surprise!) ends with her wa

Everyone's in...kind of a bad mood. Kelly's pissed off that Mel's interest in exotic dancers has broken up his relationship with her mother, again, and blames Noah for putting strange breasts in Mel's eyeline. Dylan's annoyed that Andrew from the community center keeps bugging him to volunteer no matter how much money Dylan throws at him to shut him up; his attitude doesn't really improve when he and Andrew are beaten up by homophobes and Andrew won't let Dylan browbeat him into participating in the investigation because Andrew actually is gay, and isn't out at work And Janet's increasingly anxious about how far behind she is both in setting up the baby's nursery and planning her wedding. Steve comes up with an idea: he and Janet send all their friends on what they keep calling a scavenger hunt but is actually more of a treasure hunt; there's a party at the end that will roll up all the showers and bachelor/ette events they'd have to stage separately otherwise. Friction between participants keeps causing team

Faith has been part of Janet's upbringing, and she wants to continue the tradition with her own future child. A laudable notion, except that she and Steve have decided their child's godparents should be Dylan and Kelly, and don't withdraw the offer even after Kelly and Dylan pretty much openly act like they think the whole idea is dumb. Still, they do agree to go to Ojai to see Steve and Janet's future wedding site with them, meet Janet's pastor, and flirt with each other like we haven't seen them do in a while. At the same time, David's back in Los Angeles negotiating the sale of Steve's Corvette (so that he can start his new life behind the wheel of a minivan), and doing some flirting of his own with the buyer: a performance artist named Marta. Gina's also in L.A., accepting extortion payments from Mel in the form of vastly overpriced training sessions, until she overhears a phone call between Kelly and Matt in which Kelly announces that she's going to spend the night in Ojai with Dylan to see the "pink mom

A convicted murderer is on his last appeal -- and apparently his legal fund is down to its last dollar, because he's hired Matt to represent him and get his death sentence overturned. Kelly is very supportive of Matt's efforts of behalf of his client until she finds out the man also raped his victim before killing her, whereupon she starts taking it personally, which she was already primed to do both because she is her and because her dead rapist's parents have recently visited her to forgive her, and to ask her to forgive them for raising a criminal who assaulted her. What are Kelly's principles? It's a fair question! (For which we don't have an answer.) Gina and Noah are still making tons of money with the Peach Pit After Dark After Darker, but at least one of their neighbours has determined that they're staying open two hours longer than is permitted, and before long, they're getting raided by the cops -- and on a night when Mel Silver is enjoying a lap dance, no less! Gina helps him escape arrest (Noah an

Now that Janet's finally accepted Steve's proposal, it's time for them to tackle the matter they've been putting off: telling their parents all their news. The Sosnas are even less thrilled about Steve than they were before he knocked up their daughter; Rush is only marginally happier about it, though his acceptance comes with a lot of casual racism. Things come to a head at the couple's engagement party, where Steve's attempt to conceal his (absent) mother's sexuality by passing off her (present) girlfriend as his sister somehow backfires disastrously! Meanwhile, Matt and Noah agree that the generous play would be for one of them to move out of the Walsh house so that Steve and Janet can turn the emptied room into a nursery, but neither of their girlfriends is quite ready to commit to shacking up with them. David can't stop failing in his attempts to prove to Robyn that he isn't a trifling jerk -- that's just the guy he plays on the radio! A chance encounter with a strip club manager convinces Gina that the

Janet's "no" on Steve's shotgun marriage proposal apparently was not the last word on the matter. The guys (minus Matt) rally around Steve to try to workshop a proposal Janet will accept, while the ladies (minus Gina) urge Janet to change her mind. In the process, though, Matt reveals that he is kind of dubious about the whole institution these days, and Kelly is a bitch about it in multiple conversations and locations, including on the dance floor. Will Janet decide she can put aside her fear of Steve's special brand of messiness? Will Matt let Kelly beat him into submission on yet another issue? Matt and Kelly aren't the only ones fighting at the club: Donna runs afoul of Noah when she suggests he book a band without disclosing her personal connection to one of its members, while David's latest romantic prospect Robyn gets turned into radio content without her consent. Dylan decides his capacious hotel suite is too small for both himself and Gina, but the solution he comes up with to keep her off the shag c

Since Now Wear This has been closed ever since that homicide Kelly inconsiderately committed in it, the time has come for a big, splashy grand reopening -- which, due to reasons we never learn, Donna and Kelly have not decided to peg to the launch of Donna's menswear line. But never mind: "the buyers" from "New York" are coming four days early, so Donna's going to have to sew like she's never sewn before. Meanwhile, Gina is still holding a grudge against Princess Kelly, messing with her and Matt by "forgetting" to pass on Kelly's messages. Matt makes them agree to be civil for his sake, but Kelly makes that difficult by not learning her lesson and leaving a message on Matt's office answering machine about her growing doubts that running Now Wear This is where her career passions really lie. Obviously, Gina hears this before Matt does, and just as obviously, she "innocently" relays the news of Kelly's itchy feet to Donna to mess with their personal and professional relationship. Donna and Kelly are so desperat

Steve has noticed that Janet's busting out of her bodices while also spending less time with him, and jumps to the conclusion that she's acquired some breast implants in anticipation of dumping his ass. Eventually she gets sufficiently annoyed with his hostility to admit that she's pregnant...whereupon Steve disappoints both Kelly's expectations and ours by acting like a real dick about it. It's also David's birthday, and for obvious reasons, Donna's left Gina off the guest list for the surprise party she's planning for him. (One suspects that Donna's come up with the idea of a surprise party at the club in order to force Noah to talk to her about logistics, if nothing else, but he's as sick of her shit, and her apologies, as we are.) When Gina finds out about the party, she assumes Dylan will also be sitting it out, and is stunned to learn that while the gang is punishing for boning him, they're not punishing HIM for boning HER. She develops a scheme to derail the party plans, which we assume Dylan wouldn't

Time for the payoff of the Season 9 finale cliffhanger: yes, some of the bullets Kelly shot actually ended up in Joe, and he is dead. Everyone springs into action: Matt starts defending Kelly against possible homicide charges; Dylan starts getting defensive, somehow, about his choice to give Kelly an unlicensed, unregistered firearm that went on to be used to kill someone; and Steve and Janet start bickering about whether Kelly's rapist really deserved incarceration or death. The drama surrounding Kelly's arrest hasn't distracted David from his anger at Dylan, which leads him to kick Dylan out of their house and back into the Beverly Royale Hotel -- you know, where we all remember Dylan living in high school? When everyone sees Gina on a TV news report referring to Kelly as her roommate who killed someone (which is...literally what Kelly is), Donna adds that to her resentment of Gina for sleeping with Dylan again -- way to tattle, David -- and kicks her out of the beach apartment. Does Kelly get charged with

Kelly continues pushing down her anger and fear following her sexual assault, though it apparently helps her cope to keep the gun Dylan gave her in her purse. (And let's face it: if a mishap took out a Peach Pit After Dark patron, would it really be the worst thing?) At least Dylan and Matt are managing not to hold their pissing contests about which of them is better qualified to help her through this ordeal in her presence. Dylan's efforts at helping track down Kelly's assailant are interrupted by his conflicted feelings about the closeness growing between Gina and David, which he handles as expected, which is to say, poorly and immaturely. She doesn't exactly cover herself with glory either, but she does cover herself with...something! Noah finally figures out that Donna's hiding something from him and dumps her ass. While she's ignoring his calls, Wayne makes himself available, and one lobster dinner later, Donna's putting a third notch on her bedpost. The next morning, she's barely had a chance to come to

A remarkable photo in the Beat draws the attention of the Chronicle's art critic. And since Steve is the photographer in question, he leans into his new status as an artist to impress Janet, ending up with more grass in his teeth than good shots on his film. Donna continues dithering between her lingering feelings of love (or obligation, depending on your perspective) for Noah and her burning lust for Wayne. But can she actually allow herself to try to separate sex from feelings? This is a question she keeps bringing to Kelly, despite the very obvious signals Kelly is sending that she is going through some serious shit right now. After taking herself to Cedars, talking to a detective, and going through a rape exam, Kelly tries to keep her assault a secret, but eventually cracks under questioning by Dylan. His efforts to support her only arouse suspicion from Gina, for obvious reasons, but also from David, who's now considering taking a run at Gina himself. The latest round of Dylan/Kelly drama distracts Gina

As the Beverly Beat's mandate strays further and further from journalism, it seems Steve has stumbled upon a lucrative revenue stream: The Love Fisher, a computer program that matches singles with ruthless efficiency. First Janet gets curious about how much better the Love Fisher is at picking dudes for her than she is at picking them for herself; then it's Steve's turn to find out what kind of lady the computer thinks he should be with. Will Janet decide she's settled for a good enough guy, and will Steve cling to her for dear life? Noah has apparently transitioned into defending his dead father's reputation on a full-time basis, and is still being very snitty about it to Matt. Then Matt produces a fat environmental impact report which, when Noah reads it (lol, sure he does), convinces him that his father was a big scumbag after all. Speaking of scumbags: Donna is growing ever less certain that shacking up with Noah is the right move, so it's probably just as well that he has the lawsuit to occupy his attent

It's April 1999, so Steve has finally gotten around to knowing what the Y2K bug and spectacularly overreacting with his doomsday prepping. Is this a healthy response to a possible technological meltdown or, as Janet suspects, a pretext for putting off planning for their future together? Recovering sex addict Katie decides she wants to take her relationship with David to the next level after fourteen months of celibacy; David is so horny that he goes with it instead of considering the implications of what she's asking of him. An ex-colleague of Matt's dumps a toxic waste cancer cluster case on him, which Matt is able to pursue thanks to Dylan's generous backing -- even after Matt tells him one of the defendants is Hunter Oil & Chemical. Noah's pissed. Then a series of farcical events leads to Dylan and Gina watching a nannycam video of an oblivious Matt and Kelly getting it on. Dylan's pissed. Dylan's attempts to get over his jealousy by staging an over-the-top date for Gina leads her to accuse him of havi

One of the most convoluted plotlines of the season encompasses the following: a legitimate chance encounter between Dylan and Kelly; the idiotic decision by Kelly, on the phone with Matt when Dylan rolls up, not just to say, "Oh hey, I just ran into Dylan!" and instead to say she's on her way to run errands; a tweaker trying to rob a pregnant woman in broad daylight at fucking Bristol Farms by taking her son hostage; Dylan's foiling of said robbery; Steve's decision to try to infiltrate a sex addicts' meeting to mine content for the Beat; Kelly's even more idiotic decision to tell a real reporter that when the mugger showed up, she was having coffee in her car with STEVE, who went on to save this stranger's life; Gina's need for Matt to represent her in contract negotiations over a commentator job at the Skating Channel. Plus: Noah has a half sister. We'll try to untangle the million knots in these plotlines in our podcast on "Local Hero"! JOIN THE AWT CLUB