Again With This: Beverly Hills, 90210

While Kelly tries to mend fences with her re-boyfriend's roommate, said roommate Val is at the beach reading her journal, and there's also something about a kids' entertainer with a magic wand, and an accidentally stolen electric car, and if this all sounds like a confused mess, that's because it is. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

A KEG/Alpha talent show (yes, really) is the location both for Clare's triumph over stage fright, and for Felice to set herself up for more of Donna's disapproval; and Brandon dumps Tracy to reunite with Kelly -- though it's not going to work out if Val's schemes and an antique form of communication technology have anything to do with it. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

David plays on his history of mental illness to manipulate Donna throw Donna a memorable date on a heretofore nonexistent anniversary; Rob's movie is so bad he's prepared to move to another time zone to get away from it; and Mariah comes to town to push Brandon toward Kelly and then peaces out before she has to face the consequences of her meddling. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Alan and Val's Cold War escalates when the former hires a starlet to replace the latter as Rob's date for an industry party; Donna battles her mother over the location of Dr. Martin's post-stroke rehab; and Brandon brings Tracy to Hong Kong to see what it's like to be vaguely disappointed by her on a different continent. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

As Val gets closer to Rob, his agent Alan gets territorial; Brandon and Steve both suffer through the hassle of their girlfriends expecting their respect; and while Kelly continues trying to reunite Joey with his family, Donna responds to the crisis of her father's sudden stroke by turning on David and telling him he caused it. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Steve half-asses a school assignment that at least has the sole benefit of making Tracy horny; Kelly meets and almost immediately betrays a runaway; Val has a meet-VERY-cute with an up-and-coming actor; and Donna hears the tale of her grandparents' brief and tragic marriage, giving both Tori Spelling and Brian Austin Green the chance to play WWII dress-up. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Kelly and Clare try on bad Slavic accents to mess with a couple of Chads; Donna continues juggling two dudes, to both dudes' controlling dismay; and Dick gets thrown off his Horse...permanently. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Ryan tests all our patience with a sex story; David and Donna's love quadrangle gets ever pointier; the wrangling over Kelly's engagement ring leads into unexpectedly putty-faced, badly-accented places; and Val and her mother finally clear the air about Val's father's suicide. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

David and Donna might be headed for their 500th breakup; Steve, a college senior, finally hears tell of weed; and as Tracy careens toward a gigantic Valentine's Day disappointment courtesy of Brandon, Valerie's mother comes to town to give Val PTSD. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Whatever Val and Tom are doing, Tom's not interested in doing it anymore; Clare goes to childish lengths to keep Steve's mom from stealing the Chancellor from her; and Garrett Slan is finally vindicated when a totally other guy takes the CUTV newsroom hostage. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Steve and Clare ponder cohabitation; Donna tries taking legal action against Garrett Slan, which David undermines with his ineffectual macho bullshit; and when Kelly takes up with Tom to spite Val, Brandon also gets annoyed, which also stresses out Tracy. (Remember her? Brandon may not.) JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Tom and David bro out over the Peach Pit After Dark's Super Bowl party while Steve and Dick develop a football-based fundraising scheme because 1997 was the first year Fox ever got to air the BIG GAME; Brandon and Tracy take a drive out of town and try out being boring on a ranch for a change; and Donna gets increasingly anxious about who her stalker might be while no one takes her seriously, and hey, it's probably nothing. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Tom tries to prove himself by bringing #1 artist Donna Lewis to the Peach Pit After Dark, though David has his doubts; Donna Martin embarks upon a new career as a fashion-focused meteorologist, immediately attracting unwanted attention from a mysterious creep; and Steve's stint on the maintenance crew puts him on a collision course with a homeless student who somehow has the leisure to engage in pointless mischief. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Steve and Donna both learn the pitfalls of entering the workforce, from sexual harassment to preventing some old bag's death; Val's 'first' arrives from Buffalo and revives some of her worst memories of her late father; and when Mark and Brandon both apply for the same scholarship, Kelly is a bitch about it. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

As Christmas comes again to Beverly Hills, Tracy and Brandon are still boring; Steve and Clare introduce his mom to her dad and almost instantly regret it; the Martins and the Silvers get together for holiday cheer and world-class passive-aggression from Felice; and Kelly meets Joy, the sister Bill kept secret from her for...sport? JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Kelly tries to make her friends (and us) care about Mark's birthday; Donna and David's reunion keeps running into obstacles; and Brandon is One Angry Man at the CU honour tribunal. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Mark and Kelly's attempt at a sexy getaway is ruined by a lot of diarrhea; Steve confesses to Brandon that he got him in trouble with Professor Randall...again; and David's butterfingers at the Good Old Student Union earn him a psych hold. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Brandon picks up a stray redhead, who makes him realize he's still not over his old blonde; and the rest of the gang heads to Vegas to ignore the plentiful signs that David is in a mental health crisis. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Kelly fails to drive Mark away by telling him about her past; Steve is still pulling (get it) for Clare to ditch Dick; and while Kelly dimes out Val to Brandon, David's impulsiveness continues to worry both his father and the hapless ex said father guilts into babysitting him. JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Steve stalks Clare, but like, romantically?; Brandon resists Tracy's come-ons because he plans to take his pants off for the whole newsroom; Mel is concerned that his recovered drug addict son may not be responsible with a six-figure inheritance, and David is a bitch about it; and when Steve very innocently asks Kelly to look out for Val during her abortion ordeal, he just sets her up to find holes in Val's story. JOIN THE AWT CLUB