Again With This: Beverly Hills, 90210

Megan snitches to Kyle about Jennifer's new strip club job, from which he extricates her just before she's about to accept a promotion from server to performer, setting her up in his apartment...alone, because it's time for Amanda and Kyle to journey to the Dominican Republic to finalize their quickie divorces, but oh no! Amanda's apparently terrible travel agent booked them in a resort that has had its one road washed out during the rainy season, so they're going to have to stay in a VERY rustic beach shack arranged by a random cab driver Kyle meets at the airport! Roughing it eventually brings out the best in Amanda, and the two get closer commiserating, some more, about the end of their marriages. But can it last, given Kyle's current house guest? Jennifer also witnesses Michael and Taylor scheming to trick Peter into thinking he has rage epilepsy and is physically abusing Taylor during blackouts; Taylor excitedly plants a big kiss on Michael to seal their evil deal, which Jennifer is delighted to report t

If you worried that we might not hear about the jazz club this time, don't! Amanda has decided she needs to formalize her partnership with Kyle, and he eventually agrees -- as long as there's no chance Peter is going to weasel his way in. Amanda is on the same page, but regarding Taylor, so a summit is arranged at which the matter of these two lingering divorces is finally addressed. Taylor is pretty eager to sign any paperwork Kyle puts in front of her considering that Peter is still being controlling about her full-on Beth impersonation, but Michael is still hanging around, looking to turn Taylor's building resentment against Peter, to Michael's advantage. Meanwhile, Craig is still pursuing his campaign to make Sydney horny enough to drop her lawsuit; it's too bad she's not the only one he should be trying to manipulate. Former fiancés Billy and Alison are not having a great time: Billy the idiot lets Sam convince him not to call the cops on Jim immediately; and Alison learns that being on your best behavio

Our A plot is basically a thicket of bad decisions: Amanda and Kyle going into the JAZZ CLUB business together! Jennifer impulsively outing her five-month affair with Kyle -- because yes, she was the server he fooled around with in Boston! Alison drinking in virtually every one of her scenes and Jake defending it to Amanda and Billy! And Taylor going along with Peter's domineering-husband role-play! For a while, anyway. The former employee's of Sydney's (RIP) are both getting jerked around by the shadiest men in their lives: Jim is trying to extort even more money out of Sam, while Craig keeps tabs on Sydney by treating her to a Palm Springs spa vacation she seems to see no reason to question. Denise reluctantly goes along with a judge's order that Chelsea resume living with Matt, but on her lawyer's advice, she deputizes Chelsea to start keeping a snitch log they can eventually use to contest Matt's custody in court. Take off that sensible skirt suit and let down your french twist: it's time for our podcast

Sydney's not thrilled that the grift she and Harry ran on D&D has resulted in actual injury for her. She is thrilled that he thinks they can take the agency for $5 million. Amanda's not worried about the lawsuit since this is exactly why they have insurance, but whoops, it turns out their policy renewal required some exclusions: of course the rickety stairs to the Business Balcony were among them, and of course Craig never got around to fixing them. But it's fine because he knows how to solve this problem: he'll just seduce Sydney so she drops the suit! Hey, I have a great icebreaker about one thing they have in common: carelessness with their insurance policies. Amanda can't concern herself too much with this, because she's got Kyle to hang out with AS FRIENDS. Just friends on the dance floor, talking about their dreams! That's a much more pleasant topic for her than a disastrous job interview she's just conducted with one Jennifer Mancini -- yes, Michael's younger sister, who's just shown up in L.A. to

Having lost everything thanks to Hilda's scam lawsuit, Sydney still doesn't want to accept Hilda's lawyer's offer to become his new partner in financial crime, but it's hard to deny they make a good team when they grift $2000 off another driver in well under two minutes flat. So she seeks a job waiting tables at Kyle's, which he's happy to give her as soon as he confirms it's really going to bug Taylor. But how long will Sydney hold out against Harry's attractive pitch -- particularly once she realizes she could use their combined skills against Amanda, her main rival for Kyle's affections? The aforementioned Taylor has problems outside the restaurant, too, as Peter keeps buying her dowdy clothes; when Kyle returns Peter and Beth's wedding album to her, she finally figures out exactly why Peter's giving her this extreme makeover. Sydney's not the only one hitting up a neighbor for a job in hospitality: Sam gets Jake to give her dad, Jim, a job at Shooters. Not even Billy's report of receiving threats from Jim

The last episode having left both Alison and Kimberly in possibly mortal danger from their own bodies (and not fire, or Michael, as is usually the case), it makes sense that they share the A plot. Alison has been hospitalized with toxemia and orders not to do anything that might raise her blood pressure, including watch TV -- which seems crazy until some gossip Jake relays (well, look who's suddenly not to good to repeat scandalous stories) makes her laugh herself into a seizure. Mrs. Shaw has responded to Michael's call and is, justifiably, horrified by the sight of her daughter's condition. But while Kimberly wants to leave Los Angeles on good terms with the only two characters who are still speaking to her, Mrs. Shaw (again, justifiably) hates Michael and doesn't want to co-operate. Billy's not happy with the way Sam's father Jim is taking advantage of her, and the more he learns about Jim's life of crime, the less he likes him. And while Sam herself is clearly also uncomfortable about Jim's return to her

Alison continues to go stir-crazy on cervix-related bed rest, so when Amanda announces that she's taking over one of Alison's big clients, Alison decides the money is too important, and sneaks into the office for a day to do the pitch herself. Of course this is the one day Jake ever comes home early from Shooters, and the return of Seething Incubator Cop Jake is unwelcome to say the least. Things are far different for Alison's boss, however! Taylor has fully moved in with Peter, ignoring all hints and direct recommendations that she not plan to make it permanent. And the way people are sharing her personal business, she shouldn't plan on going back to Kyle, either: Amanda tells him what she heard Jake heard Alison heard in the courtyard in the last episode, so Kyle confronts Taylor and finally gets her to admit the whole truth about why they live in Los Angeles now. But if divorce has turned Kyle into a twisted husk, Amanda is living her best life: buying a Jaguar, killing the game at work, and flirting with

With so many people's drama suddenly exploding into chaos, how is SYDNEY the pivot point? Well: she lets it slip in conversation with Peter that she slept with Kyle at the restaurant. Taylor walks in just in time to hear Peter confronting Kyle about it. And Kyle's at the center of a lot of eavesdropping action: first, when an ordered-to-couch-rest Alison overhears Taylor admitting to Kyle that Peter was once her brother-in-law, which Alison goes on to tell Jake; then, when Sam overhears Kyle telling Sydney that the news is out about their hookup. Oh, and: Sydney is the victim of an obvious slip-and-fall scam artist played by Edie McClurg! Somehow, Megan's arrest makes it to the newspaper of a large metropolitan city, causing her scandalized landlady to evict her on 24 hours' notice. Megan self-pities her way through the next couple of days, moving into a cheap motel and leaving all vestiges of her life with Michael back at her vacant house for him to collect. And Chelsea continues to be a pain in all survivin

Amanda immediately regrets revenge-boning Craig, but honestly, she gets off easiest in this episode! Taylor takes her bruised face to Peter's, and is horrified to learn that Peter totally knew that Amanda saw them fooling around but declined to tell her: now she's worried that the information is going to get back to Kyle, known loose cannon. Turns out she's right to be worried about BOTH those things, and probably should have spent some of her commuting time coming up with better cover stories than "I was at the gym" to satisfy Kyle's curiosity. She's such a bad liar, in fact, that Kyle returns to Nick to find out what HE knows; when he hears the tape of Taylor and Peter's filthy phone sex, it seems like he really wishes he hadn't. Josh The Pimp hatches an extremely baroque plan: Kimberly will think she's showing Michael that Megan is seeing clients again, but ACTUALLY Josh and Megan will be setting Kimberly up to look like a liar by lining up a fake client. But could it ACTUALLY be the case that Josh has his

Taylor and Peter know that Nick is on to them since, you know, he told them -- and he's also toying with Taylor by suggesting that he actually MIGHT eventually show Kyle the photos. So Taylor and Peter hatch a scheme of their own, to disable Nick long enough for Peter to sneak into his apartment and steal the incriminating evidence. Meanwhile, Craig pouts his way into getting Amanda to rent him Alison's old apartment (VERY old, at this point -- has it been vacant this whole time?!), on the condition that he not use it to insinuate himself further into her life. And how could he, living RIGHT NEXT DOOR to her? Josh The Pimp continues his campaign against Megan and Michael's...do we want to call it happiness, really? Soon, we find out he hasn't returned to her life by random chance; he has a benefactor who busted him out of prison and who is really just using Josh The Pimp as a tool to break up Michael and Megan. Guess who it is? The answer won't surprise you. Jake, Alison, Billy, Sam, and Sydney all get one sc

It truly takes no time at all for Nick to follow Peter and Taylor to a public place and snap a bunch of photos of the two of them having sex, so whatever Craig is paying him for surveillance...it's too much. Elsewhere at Kyle's, Carter is loving his new life as a dishwasher, until loitering in the parking lot makes him subject to menacing by a random street tough -- and, believe it or not, his week gets even worse after that. Jake returns to Los Angeles to try to reconcile with Alison, and stupid Sam continues being a crappy friend when she volunteers to help. Megan is still trying to prove that Kimberly does not, in fact, need Michael's attention full-time, but by the time the episode ends, she's going to be nostalgic for the time when Kimberly was her biggest problem. Put away your atlas; we're going to tell you all about "Men Are From Melrose"! JOIN THE AWT CLUB

The reconciliation with Peter that Amanda had hoped for is not going to happen quite yet: partly due to Peter's having run into a shirtless Craig at Amanda's, and (not that he's telling Amanda this) partly because Peter and Taylor have FINALLY had sex. Kyle has to take an emergency trip back to Boston, but asks Nick to keep an eye on Taylor in Kyle's absence, which hateful Nick is only too happy to do -- and it'll be pretty easy since they're both working at the restaurant and Nick is moving into Sydney's old place, right next door to the McBrides! Also getting embroiled with the McBrides: Carter, who decides that just giving up his software company wasn't enough of a change, and that he also needs to cosplay as a member of the working class by getting a job as a waiter at Kyle's -- where Craig happens to catch Nick giving Taylor and Peter a dirty look and enlisting him on the spot to spy for Craig, as part of Craig's ongoing campaign to date Amanda. Jake takes a break from acting out about his breakup with A

In another classic midseason Melrose Place two-parter, Amanda and Peter each notch a big career win through underhanded schemes against their enemies. OBVIOUSLY THESE TWO ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER, which is why it's so frustrating that timing and circumstances (read: the writers) keep conspiring (read: contriving) to keep them from reconciling. For most of this episode, Taylor's not even to blame, because she's occupied with Kyle's shitty friend Nick...who happens to have noticed how much Taylor lights up when Peter comes to Kyle's and vaguely threatens to use this against her, since apparently Kyle hasn't spent any of their bro time together complaining about it. When Sydney pushes Sam to the brink of insanity, Billy seizes his moment to invite Sam to move in with him instead, just in time for Alison and Jake to have a huge fight, requiring Alison to bunk with the newly-cohabitant. Sydney, meanwhile, is still working on driving a wedge between Carter and Walter. Megan would probably LOVE to drive a wedge betwe

Off-model July wraps up in the best possible way: with you! We set up a hotline (210.920.4699) you can use to leave us a voicemail day or night, and we were thrilled to hear from so many of you. We cover questions, like which scenes showed the cast actually acting well and which writer showed up to cameo in multiple episodes. And comments, like how mad people still are about that gay kiss cut from the Season 2 finale, and how the show has invaded their dreams. All this and much much more in our first -- but certainly not last -- call-in special! JOIN THE AWT CLUB

How do you make a game about the shows of the Darren Star Universe when one combatant literally wrote a book about his first show, and the other has barely watched it or its spinoff? Tara went back to the TV listings for nights when particular episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210 and Melrose Place first aired, and came up with a game about OTHER TV episodes that were opposite or around them on their original airdates. Who remembers the most about the TV shows of the '90s? By the end of this episode, we'll all know! JOIN THE AWT CLUB

We did it for the secondary characters of Beverly Hills, 90210, and now it's Melrose Place's turn. Eighteen recurring characters enter the Thunderdome for a FIGHT TO THE DEATH. Which ones did we pick, and who makes it through multiple rounds of mortal combat to be the last secondary character standing? You'll have to listen to find out! JOIN THE AWT CLUB

The less said about a completely nonsensical fight between Sam and Sydney over Jane's former apartment, the better: the upshot is that Billy recommends that Sam explore her rights by talking to a lawyer about it, only to regret it when it turns out she knows one, because they used to date. While this is going on, Sydney blows town with Carter to visit important locations from his formative years. Are they sneaking off in defiance of Walter, or playing right into his hands? Jake is excited to show Alison the house he wants to raise their child in, completely oblivious to the look of abject terror on her face. While Michael is unconscious following his (latest) car crash, a hallucination of his two most recent wives seems to push him toward Megan. But when he comes to, Kimberly tells him she's ready to accept his help through her last weeks on earth. Amanda has regrets about how things are going in her marriage when Peter tells her he's rented himself a new place, and Peter's good friend Taylor has problems wit

Getting shoved through a glass table turns out to have been the last straw for Matt, who has an infuriatingly offscreen conversation with Peter about Dan; Peter then confronts Dan about it, and Dan reacts as though Peter has authority over him, for some reason? Peter also helps Michael meddle in Kimberly's private medical affairs after Kimberly lies to Michael that she's totally not dying at all. Once Michael knows the truth, he informs Kimberly that he's going to spending as much time with her as he possibly can; she pretends to go along, but then finds a pier. She loses the nerve to die by suicide then, but it's not her last attempt of the episode. At D&D, Amanda starts right in using Craig's disclosure to her own advantage, but may overplay her hand when she involves Arthur himself. You're not going to believe this but Jane was no better running this business than she was any of the others we've seen her in charge of, and Sydney's doing a lot of scrambling to get on top of the mess Jane left. The situa

Pretty much everyone crowds into the overstuffed A plot: Peter, with his regained doctorly confidence, attempts to reconcile with Amanda, but right now she's laser-focused on getting Craig to tell her his big secret about Arthur. Sam and Billy are annoyingly happy -- and since all the boning means Sam definitely can't let her Pill prescription lapse, she happens to be at the drugstore when Alison is picking out a pregnancy test. Matt comes up with a story about how he got his black eye, which no one finds convincing -- particularly not after Matt and Dan have dinner with Sam and Billy (?), and Dan can barely stop himself controlling Matt's wine consumption. Sydney grows increasingly frustrated by Carter's apparent unwillingness to spend any time with her outside of his house and away from his "online conferences." But the plotline's biggest fireworks are for Jane, who gets robbed at gunpoint in the store and struggles to determine what the right path forward may be. Megan and Kimberly manage to convince Micha

Sherry's holiday stay with Jane has now stretched into January, fraying the patience of everyone but an oblivious Jane. Sherry returns to her own place, and her local bar, worn down by the stress of living up to all of Jane's hopes for their relationship; Sydney, fortunately, can temporarily forget her irritation at Sherry's presence in their lives by spending more time with Carter -- very lucrative time, in fact. Sam doesn't seem to be at the store at all, as she runs around trying to sell some of her old paintings for quick cash so she can make it home to Maryland for a family reunion. But will her work find a good home? Peter is not having a great time during his separation from Amanda, which Taylor is straining to make permanent. Things at the practice are still tenuous too; can anything help him recover his confidence as a doctor? In other relationship news, Kimberly continues to puppeteer Megan into securing Michael's affections, while Dan escalates his control over Matt. Put down your stethoscope and p