Movie Mastery

In the vein of A Talking Cat, a celebrity really phones it in while voicing an animal but this movie had the budget to also badly CGI the animal doing karate.

Follow the thrilling escapades of John Canyon as he coerces a girl to marry him for a ride and then be chilled by the worst thing that poor Charles Dance has had to do on screen.

In the near future, two rival gangs fight for control of Frasier Park, CA by playing a knock-off version of Dance Dance Revolution but mostly just say the N-word a lot.

One of the few actually decent DreamWorks animated films but it still can’t escape the dreaded “all the characters dance” ending.

In what I can only describe as one of the worst movies that we have ever seen; Jenny McCarthy takes some time off from spreading misinformation about vaccines to write and star in a humorless “comedy” where everyone sucks and nobody learns anything.

Thrill as a very large but not kaiju-sized crocodile harmlessly wanders around the Chinese countryside causing some mild panic and light property damage.

An earnestly fun, low budget comedy with high gore and nudity content that would honestly have aged pretty well if it weren’t for all the racial slurs and homophobia.

When you need a problem solved and nobody else can get it done, you call the legally distinct from G.I. Joe men at Megaforce.

A movie that took the name of a Stephen King short story but has absolutely nothing in common with it and yet somehow still manages to be an extremely Stephen King movie.

The classic “how do I reach these kids” teacher movie with a military twist and you better believe that there’s a scene where these army teens drop a sick Hamlet rap.

Special guest James D’Amato joins us in a review of Britain’s extremely cursed foray into the world of animated movies. A film with a plot so absurd that there is no way the movie can do it justice.

Whoever it was that decided this should be on our list both understands exactly what this show is about and also is a terrible person. Hitting some surprising new lows on this one.

Ok but the movie poster claims “the most bizarre murder weapon ever used” and that’s just not even remotely true. Killing someone with a truck is real fuckin basic. You kill someone with some Pumpernickel bread and maybe you can claim most bizarre murder weapon.

The 4th and final installment of the 3 Ninjas series goes out on a “what?” as Hulk Hogan helps some kids fight terrorists that are also ninjas that have taken over an amusement park.

A group of mercenaries accidentally kidnap the worlds most killingest badass for their murder training and he picks them off one by one using nothing but a knife, his wits, and a sweet pair of daisy dukes. Somehow, this is turned into the most tedious and boring movie we’ve watched in a while.

You remember those horror books aimed at kids that were super popular in the early-mid 90’s? Well, they definitely cashed in on that in a timely fashion with this movie in 2015!

It’s still queer horror week for this Horrortoberfest and, unfortunately, this one is the dark side of the offerings given how this movie views gay and trans people. I will never allow Jef to watch good horror.

In a pulp fiction alternate 1939, nefarious plans are afoot and only the dashing Sky Captain can put an end to this world ending threat. Also, everything looks like it’s been soaked in piss and smeared with vaseline.

A treasure previously lost was found once again by the Alamo Draft House. Now everyone can enjoy the earnest, goofy, terrible movie that is Miami Connection and the rockin’ yet oddly sweet lyrics of Dragon Sound.

A terrifying, inhuman elite controls society and keeps people under control through television, advertising, and the help of their recruits that work to maintain the suppression of any rebellious actions. Also, we watched a John Carpenter film!