We Will Fix You

We live in a golden age of TV, they say, their eyes glassy and peculiar, the faint buzzing of distant wasps carried on their flat, reedy voices. But it's true! Today's questioner struggles to fit all of these wonderful shows into their free time. Something has to give. But what? We will fix it.

Our questioner has a problem - a beloved friend is hard to eat with, given some open-mouthed flapping and noises not conducive to digestion. What, they ask, is to be done? We will, of course, fix this.

Our questioner struggles with the idea that they're giving bad gifts. What can we do to assuage this, make sure the gifts they're giving are good ones, or just convince them not to care? Three very different solutions in this faintly-festive episode.

Our questioner has had a tough time in employment, with bullying and redundancy, and now struggles to overcome the trauma of this and look for a new job. Can we help? Sort of. Fewer gags than usual. We even edited out one about a greasy horse, it was tonally "off". But we'll whisper it to you if you ask politely.

Our questioner wants a nice garden without all that pesky maintenance, with having to know and care about plants, cutting things, digging things, and the horrifying reminder of the terrifying entropy nipping at all of our heels that comes with it. What to do? We know!

Our questioner is navigating the choppy waters of sudden cohabitation, in particular, the treacherous eddies around the Strait of Flatulence and the fearsome squall of Depilation Bay. How do you manage expectations, mystique, and living together? Should you at all?

Our questioner has been betrayed by their own mind and is now a prisoner to a swirling vortex of goth-pop inanity. Can we free them from this gulag of sound and ungodly image? Yes.

Our questioner is an creative type, and loses all interest in the act of creation as soon as the deed is done. They need our help to stop their creations from sitting, unloved and alone, on the shelves. They are asking us, dear listener, us, how to do a marketing.

Those ruddy-faced sprogs next door won't stop punting balls over your fence, violating the most basic tenets of communal living. But not to worry, we have some fixings that will sort that right out with a minimum of sharpened stick pits dug into your lawn.

This week's questioner has that age-old dilemma - how to take a friendship and heave it over the line like a sack of metaphorical relationship potatoes into a relationship where there may or may not be potatoes. Complicating things: nerves, the internet, us. We will fix it though, you can be damn sure of that.

Oversized furniture, hoarding, parental obligation and sentimentality collide in the form of a much-loved but unwanted sofa (or couch - hi, America!). We look at three ways to deal with the emotional fallout of a bizarrely universal experience.

This week's questioner wants to expand their sexual horizons, and they're not too fussy whether that means multiple partners simultaneously or in serial. Someone else is gettin' doinked is what we're saying here. But how to do this and maintain the existing relationship? Is it possible to keep people from being hurt? And how exactly does one fit all this doinking into a busy modern life? We will fix it.

Our questioner suffers from occasional bouts of furious anger, and would like very much to keep them under control before they end up screaming, covered in kestrel blood on a roundabout. We'd like to avoid that too, so for you, dear listeners, and for the kestrels, we will fix it.

Autumn is here, and with it comes the sadness, at least in this week's questioner. Surely we can't fix an entire season? Oh, you poor poor things. We will FIGHT a season. For you. To fix it.

If you're the go-to support for a friend's problems, it can be hard to know what to do and how to weather the emotional labour required. Luckily, we're the experts here and we've got ideas.

This week's questioner has a testy relationship with their parents, and seeks our advice on how to deal with the dreaded filial responsibilities when they pop by for a visit. It's emotionally fraught, and that's before you even get to some very strong opinions about cake.

Sometimes it can be warm. Not often, but it can. If you struggle with this sort of thing, what are some options to cool off? Not air conditioning or that sort of thing. Nothing so simple. Join us on a journey into the HUMAN MIND and also some slightly better advice about fans.

Our listener is presented with a dilemma - in order to effectively Do A Business, it is incumbent upon them to chat in a casual and carefree manner with colleagues. Alas, the vomiting blood and the fear sweats get in the way. What succour can we, as fixers, provide?

This week's asker suffers anxiety from anxiety brought on by a co-worker's apparently ceaseless fury at everybody and everything. Can we help? Of course we can, and our advice ranges from the gently vengeful to the needlessly biological. As ever, it is extremely helpful.

Our questioner has a school reunion coming up, one they'd like to spice up with some shenanigans. But how to balance fun and emotional well-being? With our boundless wells of both creativity and compassion, we will fix it.