We Will Fix You

Sooner or later, everybody dies. But some people have been real dicks along the way. This week, we look at the knotty problem of getting stiffed with end-of-life care for relatives you just don't like all that much. We ask who owes what to who (spoilers: nobody, nowt, nobody) and how you can either stay functional, or make your peace with walking away.

Do you want children? No, of course not. But this week's questioner does, so how might we help them stay off the sauce for long enough to gestate? How do they ease out of a pub-centric social life, and give up alcohol for nine long, dull, dry months of maternity? How, in short, do they fire forth their crotch-fruit unpickled?

This week's questioner wants to learn to love the cockroaches they find themselves suddenly living with and asks us: how? How to love the cockroach? Asking why might also have been a good idea.

In which our heroes fight normalising social pressure in order to discover when it's OK to feminise men for money. It's a minefield of gender theory and good intentions, and we intend to cross it with most of our limbs intact.

Our questioner finds themselves torn between two countries, unable to fully integrate into either. How to adapt, or at least, how to make it work? Can we parlay our totally dissimilar experiences into useful advice? Probably not, but just try and stop us.

This week we're continuing our journey into those little peculiarities, those oddnesses that you're not sure you share with the world at large. We'll give you a strong yes or no and put you at ease, as we are wont to do.

Do you have something that you believe sets you apart from other people, but never found the courage to check? Not to worry, dear probable-freak. We will tell you, en masse, whether it's just you.  This week, we bring succour to, or, at bare minimum, confirm the suspicions of, six listeners who have such suspicions.

Today's questioner struggles with people copying their style, manner and turn of phrase. These imitators are causing no small consternation, so let's see if we can thwart their designs, shall we? With thanks to Canon Hannon's Ham Cannon for additional musical assistance today.

Our questioner wants to do an art, but in the absence of a wealthy patron or fascinating amphetamine addiction, just struggles to find the time. We can help. Plus: what is art? How do you know if you've done enough art? Will our crude daubings on the walls of this grain silo be enough to secure us a legacy that ratles through the aeons? Let's find out - together.

Jobs! We've all got them, and sometimes you work for right proper bastards. What to do? We'll tell you! You're probably not going to like it.

This week's fixee is addicted to lifehacks - those plausible-seeming fixes for minor productivity wobbles that have none of the scientific and spiritual rigour of our own excellent advice. How, then, to wean them off the bad (everyone else) and onto the good (us)? We'll tell you.

Do you struggle to dress yourself? Not like that, dear listener, or you wouldn't have passed the basic requirements exam we set you. No, do you, like today's questioner, struggle to find clothes that fit, suit, live up to the required but ultimately arbitrary standards of society at large, or just don't have holes in the shoulders for no discernible reason? Allow us to help.

One of our listeners has a problem. Technically you all have problems, but as this one was emailed to wewillfixyoushow@gmail.com, it's the one we choose to address today. How, we are asked, can one train a colleague when one wishes the very worst diseases of the bum and flaps upon said colleague? We will tell you. We will fix you.

This week's questioner has a problem (obviously). How to receive the heaping showers of praise that make for a happy life without being an insufferable bellend? We have some profound thoughts on the matter.

Local news! Two words to thrill the very soul. And what better typifies the net curtains and "patriotism" of the local discourse than the letters page. This week, we help a listener who's been sucked into the regional paper's heady blend of bypass bickering, bin collection, and gabbling tinpot lunacy. Have you ever felt like writing in to your local rag? Are you a regular writer struggling to stop? Would you like to explore the delights of narcotics, marine life, and a backyard hot tub? We have a little something for everyone this week.

Anxiety can be quite the tricky beast, so how best to tame it? How best to lock it, howling, in the yard at night? How to keep it from upsetting the neighbours? We go in-depth on this one, with a blend of therapy, philosophy, and dick jokes. Here's the original post we based this on.

Nuisance callers, be they marketers, recruiters, or literally anyone with access to a phone because come on who does that, are a problem. A problem today's questioner has turned to us to fix, which we do with gusto. How much gusto? A lot! It's like you don't understand the concept of gusto.

A constitutional crisis finds us temporarily able to solve Lucy's problem. How do you nourish yourself in the depths of depression? What can you cook without any will to do anything? In this roundtable special, we find out.