Again With This: Beverly Hills, 90210

Christmas has come once again to Melrose Place, and with Nikki visiting, and to make sure she she has a magical holiday, everyone is willing to put aside their differences -- at least while she's around. Billy, who instantly regrets sleeping with Amanda, has to hide this scandal from both Alison and Jake. The former is dying to get him alone so she can just tell him that she and Steve never actually boned; the latter is desperate to buttonhole Amanda and convince her to believe him over her sainted father. (Meanwhile, Jo is trying to figure out how to sleep through the holidays, since she and Jake had their first kiss last Christmas Eve and she'd rather not be reminded.) Jane has had enough of Michael's moping, and makes plans to spend the holidays with Robert at his place. Since Michael can't be left alone, she hires no-nonsense Nurse Colleen to stay with him. Does Nurse Colleen's impatience with Michael's self-pity snap him out of his funk, or is his heartfelt apology to Jane and Robert just another scheme?

Now that Alison has been forced to accept that Billy really actually did mean it when he moved out on her and in with Jake, she's free to go ahead and lock down Steve, as she had threatened to do in the last episode. There's just one problem: Steve's on his way to spend six months in Paris setting up MICROCOMP's European operation. But will he still go once he finds out Alison's finally single? Billy and Celia get assigned a joint feature on video dating, and though his reservations about taking on a subject that was passé even in 1992, this is Celia's first break at Escapade and she is determined not to let Billy and his sudden dim view of women screw it up for her. (Remember: she's new.) Just when Jake thinks he's all done informing to the FBI, Agent Hill asks him to wear a wire and record Palmer incriminating himself. Jake thinks he can just decline the request, so Agent Hill has to explain how Palmer hand-picked Jake to be his fall guy, and will pin all his crimes on Jake if the FBI can't make an airtight

Sydney was already wavering in her personal ethics when she decided to blow off Jane's invitation and have Thanksgiving with Lauren and the rest of her escorts. But now the rent is due, so Sydney can't screw around anymore. Or actually...that's all she can do because she needs a fast buck and she knows she can't possibly make it at Shooters or ask Jane for it. Her first client seems to have been chosen by Lauren as an easy on-ramp, and when Lauren follows up that date by handing off her credit card and telling Sydney to go on a shopping spree, Sydney gets a taste for life as one of Lauren's girls. Then her next date busts out some very vanilla bondage implements; Sydney gets spooked and, once again, tests the limits of what this gig economy employment opportunity actually affords. While all this is going on, Michael finds out that (a) Kimberly's mother has called the hospital to say Kimberly has died, and (b) he's well enough to move to a rehab facility to start working on his mobility. Unfortunately, the nic

An offhand conversation with another mechanic about how much their boss can reasonably charge for his reproduction Avantis leads Jake to do a little snooping in Mr. Woodward's desk, and what do you know: the guy's been fraudulently certifying that they're authentic originals! Jake isn't really sure what to do with this information (other than hint around to Amanda that her dad may be involved in something shady, maybe, possibly), but getting called in to talk to a couple of FBI agents will probably sharpen his focus somewhat. Having caught Steve sending Alison a rather polite email about missing her at the ranch, Billy decides to press his luck and demand that Alison give up the MICROCOMP account. She...obviously does not, but it does nothing to reduce the tension between them when she has to travel to San Francisco, on Thanksgiving Day, to deal with a snafu in the lead-up to a big MICROCOMP press conference. Billy tells her that if she goes, he's not going to be there when she gets back, and she's like, "BYE

Apparently sex with Michael is better than any of us could possibly imagine, because despite EVERYTHING, he convinces Kimberly, over a champagne-soaked dinner, to give him another chance. He's so sure they're completely back on track that he even proposes, and though she's a little grossed out by his pushing his luck so far, she does still definitely want to bone, and they're on their way back to the beach house to do that when he fishes the ring out again and re-proposes and this time she says yes...just in time for his drunk, distracted ass to drive them straight into a guardrail and flip the car off a bridge. In the aftermath, Kimberly never regains consciousness, and requires surgery for massive head injuries. Michael gets off relatively easy with back injuries and possible paralysis...but since he knows he was definitely driving over the legal limit, he guilts Matt into using his access to the database to alter his record -- kind of a lot, actually! Alison has managed to conceal her crush on Steve from B

After clashing with Amanda over Alison's vision for the MICROCOMP campaign (and, apparently, not really comprehending when she tells him that if it flops, Alison's going to be out on her ass), Steve invites his current girlfriend Jo back out to his ranch that weekend -- and hey, wouldn't it be fun if Alison came? And also Billy, since it would be weird if he were excluded? History repeats itself: Billy correctly assesses that Steve is into Alison and risks life and limb -- this time by riding a horse (sort of) out to spy on them; Alison denies that Steve has feelings for her and whines about Billy's jealousy -- after all, she's not jealous about Billy's new co-worker, Celia, who he can't stop complaining about! (Billy shoots back that he hates Celia and since we've certainly never seen crushes grow out of sparky animosity on TV before, that's exactly where their relationship will remain, surely!) Meanwhile, Jo and Steve are getting down to it, apparently for the first time, when Jo admits that she still isn't

Everything's coming up Sydney! She's got a job! (At Shooters, where else.) She's somehow figured out how to check Kimberly's hospital schedule, so she knows when to go by the beach house and cozy up to Michael! She is, in fact, doing exactly that (because Michael can say he doesn't want to bone her anymore, but confronting her fully naked body in front of him on his deck is a test his resolve cannot pass) when Kimberly comes home and finds them in bed! This touches of a shitstorm: Kimberly tells Jane. Jane disowns Sydney. Kimberly kicks Michael out -- and, when he ignores her, moves out of the beach house herself. Michael tries mooching his way back into Kimberly's heart with a big showy gift of flowers, but when that doesn't work, he takes it out on Jane, embarrassing her at a dinner party with Robert's parents, unintentionally setting Robert up to be Jane's hero some more. Poor Sydney thinks that isolating Michael from his previous two lady friends means he'll have no choice but to pick back up with her by

Alison's running her first solo account with Microcomp! It's a big deal and very exciting, so naturally Billy understands why work is eating up all her time, including weekends. Ha ha, just kidding, he's a petulant baby about -- and maybe he should be, because even though Alison has been very clear with Steve that she's in a relationship, he keeps blurring the lines between them. However, when he decides to start hearing what she's telling him and try to move on, maybe she doesn't really like that either. The Mancinis continue trying to move on from each other, but it's not easy: Jane accepts Robert's invitation to spend the weekend on his friends' sailboat, but when the day comes, a luggage tag with both her and Michael's names on it sends her into a spiral of wistfulness that causes her to renege. Alison suggests that she try dating someone who had NOTHING to do with her divorce, but the D&D guy she sets Jane up with is a dud from whom, fortunately, Robert happens by so that he can rescue her. Meanwhile

Jane is happy in her new relationship with Robert, but not so happy she declines to make good on her threat to Sydney: now that she knows Sydney's continued spending time with Michael behind Jane's back, Jane is kicking her out. Somehow, the same Amanda who asked Matt where he was going to get his next month's rent from four minutes after he got laid off has no problem renting a unit to an unemployed college dropout, as long as she can find someone to co-sign her lease. It all goes to hell at a reception (we'll get to it) where a drunk Michael tries to attack yet another Jane love interest much taller than himself. Sydney follows him home and delights him with the news about her new place and how much it bugs Jane to have her as a neighbor: he'd just love to co-sign that lease! Sydney then takes advantage of Kimberly's trip out of town to drift into the bedroom and start undressing, and Michael is perfectly content to cheat with her on the woman with whom he formerly cheated on his wife. Amanda hands Alison a

The Mancinis are finalizing their divorce, and everyone is having a lot of feelings about it: Michael, furious about the alimony he has to pay, decides to try to punish Jane by getting all their friends in the divorce, throwing a party to celebrate the end of the marriage, and ignoring both Kimberly's face and words in reaction to this vulgar idea. Jane isn't thrilled about it, but at least she takes advantage of everyone else looking elsewhere to track down her cute attorney and have some revenge sex with him. Billy and Alison clash over the ethics of attending Michael's party, and of course turn it into a referendum on their own relationship. At least that distracts them from trying to parent-trap Jo and Jake into a reunion -- which was always a long shot given that Jake and Jo are being forced to work together on the Sagebrush Beer campaign and hating every second of it. Not hating it? Amanda, because it gives her time to gaze upon Jake and, sometimes, rip his shirt open. Matt and Dr. Katya are still pals

Jane barely has time to get mad at Sydney for snitching on her and Sam to Michael before it's time for depositions to start in the case of Mancini v. Mancini! Jane is horrified when Michael starts confidently presenting Jane's relationship with Sam as though it started that time Sam kissed her, months ago, and never stopped; Jane's lawyer (Steven Eckholdt!) isn't thrilled to have the news of Sam's existence sprung on him this way. Michael is confident that his masterful lies will carry the day, but since he requires Kimberly to corroborate them, he might be a little too cocky. (Yes -- Michael!) After a good night's sleep, Jo wakes up and decides Jake probably didn't commit insurance fraud. He's still hurt that she ever doubted him at all, but they get past it, and he proceeds to another interview with the insurance adjuster, during which Jake somehow figures out that, actually, he did leave the blowtorch on a little. Stung by his own fuckup, he comes home to tell Jo, who (again) focuses on her lost investment

Still in denial about the connection between her drinking and her trauma, Alison is continuing to disappoint Amanda in her new position. Amanda is so disgusted by Alison's numerous screw-ups that she takes a number of Alison's new responsibilities off her plate, whereupon Billy decides it's his job to step in, and -- despite having promised Alison they wouldn't talk about Keith anymore to anyone -- tell Amanda the whole sordid story so that she'll give Alison a break. This is not, in fact, what Alison wants, but the important thing is that it gives Billy and Amanda another pretext to get together and talk about her behind her back! Jake and Jo have not been communicating well enough at the shop, so when he goes on a bike shopping spree and cleans out the bank account, he doesn't realize that money is for paying their tax installment, and he's about to bounce a cheque to the IRS. Then an accident causes a catastrophic fire that turns the store into a total write-off, but because of the state of their books, th

When we left Billy last time, he was booking a flight to Seattle, and sure enough, when we rejoin him here, he's...there, with nothing but a return address on a purloined piece of Alison's mail to guide him. He easily breaks into Keith's house to find that he has not exactly been getting revenge on Alison by living well: the place is a barely furnished sty, in which Keith sleeps on a bare mattress in the living room next to so many of Courtney Thorne-Smith's old headshots, which he's had framed. Billy then turns up at the oil refinery where Keith works, to threaten and then punch him. Keith's response? To wait for Billy to leave town, then phone Alison at work so she can hear as he makes an irrevocable decision. Through it all, Alison's been screwing up at work because she's distracted and traumatized; since she refuses to tell Amanda why but is also self-medicating with a lot of vodka, now also during work hours, Amanda can only conclude that Alison's drinking is the cause and not a side effect of what's act

Billy and Alison can't wait for Keith to go back to Seattle and leave them to resume their very happy relationship. Alison's just going to go out with him for one last dinner and drive him to the airport, no big deal. Billy has continued to look into stalking and its tendency to be visited by spurned lovers on their former partners, but Alison isn't trying to hear it, right up until she goes to Keith's hotel room and sees that, actually, he's delayed the flight she thought she was there to drive him to; when she declines the dinner he's ordered them instead, he pushes her onto the bed and threatens to sexually assault her. While Jane tries to excise Michael from her life, Michael can't stop scheming to avoid the consequences of his cheating: he asks her to call off her lawyer; he tries to cultivate a laid-off Matt by getting him an interview for a job at the hospital; and he even butters up Sydney -- who's ostensibly come to town to support Jane -- so that he can play Sydney off her sister. As Jake ramps up (

Rhonda has exited! Offscreen! Uh, bye! So Amanda has moved in (to Rhonda's old unit, which we know was a studio?) and is busily making friends with her female neighbours. Jo seems to enjoy hanging out until it becomes clear that, with Amanda finally moving on from Billy, she has taken notice of Jake -- and just in time for Jake and Jo to have moved in together, too. Why isn't Billy still on Amanda's menu? Well, Alison's stalker has started getting more aggressive. He's even gone after Keith with a tire iron, just like he did Billy! Surprisingly, Billy starts to get suspicious of this report since no one ever told him he was struck by a tire iron (and, of course, we know Keith just hit himself on the corner of his hotel room TV, so how he passed that off as a tire iron injury to anyone who examined him, we are sure we don't know). Billy digs into this new crime, "stalking," and finds out that the people who do it have usually experienced a romantic rejection. But will he be able to convince Alison? Jane is rea

Where to begin with this actually pretty plot-filled two-part season finale? Well: the mysterious Mr. K. is selling the complex. Also: let's just say Amanda's pregnancy's not going to be a problem for Billy and Alison anymore. That's not to say that Amanda isn't going to be a problem for them anymore, because she is still very into Billy and openly pursuing him, basically daring Alison to try to compete with her. What Alison doesn't realize is that she has another suitor she could fall back on because, yes, Keith has improbably come back to town. He's all ready to propose to his "girlfriend," as he apparently still thinks Alison is, until he spots her canoodling with Billy and decides to start stalking her instead. Michael continues his campaign to make Jane forgive him, taking her out of town to seduce her...but then comes back to the hospital to let Kimberly know he's still totally down to clown if she is. Jo decides she'd better not try to take any photos of unhomed persons on Skid Row -- in the middle of

Now that they've MADE LOVE, everything is going so great for Billy and Alison -- other than her need to talk their relationship to death, that is. It's just terrible, awful timing that the couple has barely had time to shower each other's stink off when Amanda informs Billy that she's missed her period and, according to a home test, she's pregnant. Instead of waiting for a doctor's confirmation, Billy blurts this news at Alison, who immediately starts spinning out. Billy doesn't have very much more chill, and basically forces a disgusted Amanda to tell him she doesn't expect anything from him, possibly because she doesn't trust his ability to so much as hold a baby without dropping it. Jane having kicked him out, Michael is full of regret and desperate for her to forgive him, even telling Kimberly he wants to break things off with her so that he and Jane can reconcile, and then begging Alison to broker a meeting between him and Jane. Reluctantly, Jane agrees to counseling, and to letting him back into the apa

Alison and Billy may have both felt extremely awkward after their first kiss, but after each suffers a night of restless sleep, they agree that what they're mostly feeling now is horny. Billy's attempt at romance -- a jazz concert in the park (never the play, guys) -- is ruined by Alison's ongoing guilt over keeping the secret of Michael's affair from Jane; when Billy suggests that she's using said secret as a pretext to delay sex with Billy, she delays sex with Billy. But she's willing to try another date the following night, which is why it's too bad that Lucy extends to her a last-minute invitation to an executive retreat in Palm Springs, so that she and Amanda can try to work on their relationship outside the office. On her way out of town, she runs into Jane -- returning early from her second-anniversary dinner with Michael, because he contrived to have Kimberly beep him during dessert so he could leave and spend the night fucking her instead -- and finally spills what she knows. Jane doesn't want to bel

Since Amanda still hasn't figured out that Billy is not worth the effort she's putting into acquiring him, she's fighting a battle on two fronts: continuing to contact him via phone, and shoehorning him into conversations at work. When both Amanda and Alison are invited to Lucy's engagement party, Alison doesn't consider that she's in a primetime soap and bring Matt as her platonic date, instead bringing Billy along, so when Amanda gets Billy first onto the dance floor and then into a gazebo, where Alison walks up on them kissing, Alison really has no one to blame but herself. All of this is happening at a time when Alison's faith in men's good judgment, sex-wise, is low anyway, since she happens to have just spotted Michael and Kimberly kissing at the hospital. Is it true that, as Billy claims, he's a better-quality dude than Michael? Or when Amanda calls him and leaves a (possibly) tearful message asking him over, will he be able to resist her seductive moves and satin robes? Elsewhere, Jake is once again s

Amanda, against all reason, has continued trying to reach out to Billy and, rightly suspecting the reason he's not answering her messages is because Alison isn't giving them to him, forces the issue with a little light stalking. Thus Alison, who's already eating Amanda's shit at work as she tries to regain the stature she enjoyed pre-Seattle, also has to eat shit for interfering in Billy and Amanda's friendship. But Billy has more pressing matters to deal with -- specifically, his boss Nancy pressing herself up against him. Instead of firing Billy after Cameron narcs on him for not having gone to Columbia at all, Nancy gives Billy a "second chance" in the form of a promotion to staff writer, and is so hot for Billy that she comes on to him in a glass-walled conference room where Alison sees the whole thing. Billy doesn't want to believe that his rise is due to his butt, until Nancy makes her intentions impossible to ignore. Speaking of people crossing lines: Kimberly confesses her feelings for Michael, and th