Again With This: Beverly Hills, 90210

Amanda, against all reason, has continued trying to reach out to Billy and, rightly suspecting the reason he's not answering her messages is because Alison isn't giving them to him, forces the issue with a little light stalking. Thus Alison, who's already eating Amanda's shit at work as she tries to regain the stature she enjoyed pre-Seattle, also has to eat shit for interfering in Billy and Amanda's friendship. But Billy has more pressing matters to deal with -- specifically, his boss Nancy pressing herself up against him. Instead of firing Billy after Cameron narcs on him for not having gone to Columbia at all, Nancy gives Billy a "second chance" in the form of a promotion to staff writer, and is so hot for Billy that she comes on to him in a glass-walled conference room where Alison sees the whole thing. Billy doesn't want to believe that his rise is due to his butt, until Nancy makes her intentions impossible to ignore. Speaking of people crossing lines: Kimberly confesses her feelings for Michael, and th

Things are going great for Jake and Jo, which means it's time for his past to come back to haunt them again. Specifically, Jake's ex Perry -- the cocaine user who, when we last saw her, was scamming rich art collectors -- is out of rehab for heroin addiction. She lets Jake know that she now has AIDS, and that as her former partner, he should get tested. Jake resists the notion that a man who only sleeps with women -- even one who doesn't use condoms 100% of the time -- might be at risk for an STI. But eventually he does see reason (thanks to a sensible conversation with Matt), tells Jo what's going on, and arranges for them both to get tested. Alison slinks back to D&D to try to get her job back. Lucy is gracious enough not to remind her that she'd told Alison that the job would be gone as soon as Alison took off for Seattle, but does say that the hiring decision is now Amanda's. Lucy gets Amanda to agree to put Alison in the mix, and gives Alison her old receptionist job back, and Amanda gets straight to

Billy is just starting to get used to the idea of life without Alison -- and even entertaining the idea of renting her old room out to Kimberly, particularly if it means she'll move all her furniture in with her -- when he gets the news that his father has suffered a massive heart attack; alas, Mr. Campbell never regains consciousness, and passes away. Billy, for some reason, decides the best way to honour his father's memory is to start running the furniture store (as he never wanted to do when his father was alive); he also rebuffs attempts by everyone in his life to help him grieve...that is, until Alison comes back from Seattle to comfort him. Meanwhile, Kimberly decides she doesn't want to room with Billy, but that she would like Michael to come over and fix her kitchen sink. That's not a euphemism, though when he's done, she makes it pretty clear that she wouldn't mind him taking a closer look at her plumbing. Elsewhere, Carrie is still trying to make moves on Terrance (via lilac paint and floral-print

While Billy settles into life with Amanda -- which, since she's doing his laundry and boning him all the time, is pretty easy -- an unsettled Alison makes an impetuous decision: she WILL move to Seattle with Keith. Everyone in Alison's life thinks this is a terrible idea, though everyone is too scared to say so to Alison's face except Lucy, who fought to get Alison her promotion and doesn't appreciate receiving Alison's notice via answering machine message. As Alison tries to talk herself into her big move, Billy starts to notice that he and Amanda actually may not be that compatible after all. (Her impatience with finding his towels on the floor all the time and saying something about it may have something to do with it.) But will Billy's epiphany coincide with one from Alison? Michael and Jane's old college friend Sam (Rob Estes!) comes to town, but can only meet for dinner on a night when Michael's on call. When Jane sees him alone, Sam kisses her, which she quickly ends. She decides not to tell Michael th

Billy blows off a play with Alison to have dinner with Amanda and her father on such short notice that Alison can't find anyone else to take the ticket, and since Betsy's in the shop again, Keith lends her his vintage Mustang. Walking alone to a desirable car naturally ends with Alison getting robbed at gunpoint. Billy is full of self-recrimination for not having been there for Alison after her terrifying experience; Amanda would probably be irritated by his preoccupation even if her father hadn't just told her that Billy isn't the right man for her. While Alison continues having flashbacks to the robbery, Keith is there, and before long has toppled all the boundaries Alison had set up. Jo thinks Alison doesn't need the presence of a man to make her feel safe so much as she needs a handgun -- like the one Jo herself acquired after Charles came to town -- but Alison is grossed out by her visit to the gun range, and Jake is also disturbed to learn that he's unknowingly been sleeping in the same dwelling as an u

Since Billy and Amanda are refusing to ignore their own happiness and quit dating so that Alison won't be uncomfortable around them, Alison is challenged to search her feelings about the matter and determine the real reason it bugs her so much that Billy is seeing Amanda. When Alison requests a formal meeting to discuss their relationship and then gets a dozen red roses at work with an unsigned card from an admirer who wants to meet her at Shooters, of course she assumes that it's Billy, finally ready to make a big declaration. But no! It's Keith. Now that he's fully divorced (or...so he says) (again), he's ready to pick back up where he and Alison left off, but is also content to start at the beginning again to rebuild trust. At least he's not going to have to do much double dating with Billy and Amanda, since they both can't stand him, and would rather spend time alone at Amanda's bachelorette pad anyway. Jake is so happy with the current state of his life that he forgets he's a character on a TV show and s

Amanda asks Alison to join her for a weekend away at her parents' vacation home, which in our day would be the prelude to Alison's sexual awakening as at least a bisexual (particularly given that the sleeping arrangements require Amanda and Alison to share a bed), but in ours has to be followed by Alison getting stupid Billy invited along, too. Of course, Alison regrets it almost immediately: Amanda and Billy are obviously attracted to each other, and as soon as Alison has turned in for the night, Billy kisses Amanda, who enthusiastically reciprocates. Without knowing for sure that this has occurred, Alison can't ignore their flirting, and forbids Billy from pursuing Amanda for the sake of Alison and Amanda's working relationship -- something Billy then reports to Amanda in the course of ignoring Alison's request. Amanda, however, insist that they remain transparent, and tells Amanda about their relationship, certain that they can all be adults about it, because Amanda doesn't know how often Alison -- a woman

When one of Alison's never-seen co-workers gets bounced for dating a client (and losing the agency the business when the relationship went sour), Alison gets a promotion to assistant account executive! She's going to be working with an art director named Amanda Woodward on Maximum Advantage, a men's underwear brand. None of the agency's usual photographers is available, so Alison takes a flyer on Jo, who decides to go in a bold direction with her artistic concept and hang out with the tennis-star model afterward -- at Shooters, so why she is then astonished to piss off Jake in the process is a real mystery because obviously he is also there. Billy agrees to let Michael fix him up on a blind date with Lydia, a nurse at the hospital. He's not into her, and she's not into him either, but they're both so WASPy that somehow they end up on a crappy second date together. And Rhonda is, once again, doubting that she's ready to commit to Terrence -- but this time, she might not let Matt talk her out of fleeing. We dis

Jake finally tells Jo that he ran into Charles, her ex, and while he think he's solved her problems by telling him that Jo doesn't live at Melrose Place, Jo knows better, and goes to see him. Charles is proud to show her that he's not drinking anymore, and is generally on his best behaviour, apologizing for not having taken her photography seriously, and for trying to turn her into a good little socialite wife. Jake bristles while following everyone's advice -- including Jo's -- that he keep his distance while Jo and Charles sort things out, which gets even harder when it seems like Charles is starting to win Jo back over. Sydney is still up Jane's ass at work, at home, and even with her friends. When a desperate Michael accepts Sydney's help in planning Jane's surprise birthday party, Sydney soon gives him cause to regret it. Meanwhile, when Rhonda's not in conference with Jane about the gown she's going to need for her wedding in three weeks (what?), she's trying to figure out why Matt seems so pissy about

Jane thinks nothing of it when she's awakened by a phone call from her sister Sydney, who's come to L.A. without letting anybody know. She just needed a break from college -- no big deal! But it doesn't take long for Sydney's story to crumble: actually, she was getting terrible grades in all her classes, so she dropped out. What's she going to do with her life instead? Maybe squat on Jane and Michael's fold-out couch and loiter around the Kay Beacon Design Studio making Jane crazy. Jake thinks he's come up with a great surprise for Jo: since he's getting a great deal on a new Harley, he's going to let her have his old one...on very favorable terms? (This guy could possibly stand to take another run at the definition of the word "gift" in the dictionary.) Jo turns him down, and Jake is so preoccupied by his own wounded pride that he can't see what's bothering her: it appears as though the husband she fled has managed to track her down. Alison is granted an invitation to a work-related formal event and needs a

It's Christmas! But for a lot of people, that can be awkward! Like, for instance, for Matt, who has decided to cook a traditional Christmas dinner for the orphans at the complex instead of spending the holidays with his parents, since he's still hurt about the way they responded when he told them about losing his job for being gay. It's also not great for Michael, who feels extra-guilty about failing to save the life of a little boy accidentally shot at a playground because it happened on Christmas Eve, and now the boy's mother will spend every holiday mourning her son. Jane's not around to comfort him (she's at her parents' in Chicago, where...apparently they don't have phones?), so Michael has to get his emotional needs met by the next nearest woman: good old Dr. Kimberly Shaw, his colleague and completely platonic friend. Jake wants to blow out his Christmas celebration to make up for all the ones his mother was too poor or drunk to give him when he was a child, but Jo lacks festive spirit. Will her bitter

Alison hasn't been feeling quite right lately, lady parts-wise: turns out she has a benign fibroid tumor, which will require surgery. This is inconvenient because despite the fact that she works full-time at D&D, she doesn't have health insurance. Billy leaps into action, certain that any hospital administrator who looks her in the eye won't be able to deny her care; unfortunately, they live in the United States of America, so he is mistaken. Can Billy get over his brand-new awareness of the issues with this country's for-profit health care system long enough to let Michael, who works within it, try to help Billy's BEST FRIEND? Jake's "one who got away," Colleen, comes back to town. He apparently thinks she might want to start something up again, but no: she informs him that her son David is also Jake's biological progeny, but she'd like him to sign away his parental rights so that her husband can adopt David. Jake flips out and starts making irrational plans. (Bro, you think you're going to sue for full

Kelly returns from Matt's brother's funeral to the shocking news that David has proposed marriage to Donna, and that Donna's not sure what to do. Don't worry: her reticence is short-lived, and the couple forges ahead with a wedding that may just be the one Kelly's been planning since it all comes together in a matter of days. Why isn't Kelly using it? Well, now that Matt's biological child is about to grow up without a father, Matt thinks he should step in to perform this function, which provides Kelly with a good reason to let him go. Will Matt agree to withdraw from their engagement without a fight? Janet's career continues to rise as Charles names her the new Editor-in-Chief of Nouveau, though she's not so sure she wants the job. And Noah and Ellen have their 500th discussion about where their relationship is going, right before Noah leaves us forever. We take you through the two-part series finale -- "The Penultimate"/"Ode To Joy" in our latest podcast! JOIN THE AWT CLUB

All the Melrose Place dudes who aren't currently involved in legal proceedings are still verrrrrrry interested in Jo. Michael wants to know why she's changing her lock if it wasn't broken, and when she's going to get around to giving him, her building manager, a copy of the new one. Billy's trying to conceal from Alison the fact that he's dropping by with impromptu unchilled Champagne. But Jake is the most curious of all. Why would Jo claim to be going on a job interview only to hit up a jewellery store instead? Why doesn't she have any photo ID to facilitate the sale of a diamond bracelet engraved with the name 'Beth'? And who is this Beth, anyway? (Billy, meanwhile, gives up his attempts to hit on Jo, and when he gets very high on painkillers following a dental procedure, his subconscious serves up a dream about the woman he'd actually like to nurse him back to health.) Jane finds out the store where she works has been sold to Kay Beacon, a designer whose work she knows, and talks her way into a job at Kay'

After Dylan's declaration of love (or codependence, or obsession, or whatever) in the last episode, Kelly is trying to pretend nothing is wrong even as he openly gives her the silent treatment. To prove she doesn't take it seriously, she even tells Matt about it, which somehow isn't much comfort to him. They're on their way to yet another wedding-related appointment when she hears a news report on the radio about a surfer getting killed at Point Dume -- the very beach where Donna had told her Dylan was going to surf that day! Kelly desperately tries to determine whether the surfer is Dylan, and the utterly whipped Matt drives her all over the county to yell at various functionaries until Dylan himself calls; he decided to ride the rails (yes, like a hobo) to Salinas instead. Thinking Dylan was dead brings Kelly's feelings for him into focus, and it seems like she may have actually made a decision when Matt comes home to tell her something so shocking that anything she may have to say will have to wait. Speaki

When Michael volunteers Jane to the decorating committee for an upcoming mixer for the hospital interns, she's relieved to meet and make friends with fellow doctor's wife Liz. And what do you know -- Michael is also getting pally with Liz's husband Scott, a star pediatrician. Jane finds nothing amiss in the elaborate story Liz offers for how she got a shiner on her right eye, but is less able to explain away finger-shaped bruises on both of Liz's arms. Michael, however, refuses to entertain the idea that his new buddy is a domestic abuser, particularly since Michael is less popular than he is and unwilling to slow his own ascent at the hospital by making accusations he thinks are unfounded. The complex gets a new resident -- Jo Reynolds, an aspiring photographer who's just arrived from New York. While she's slightly vague about what has brought her to town, depending on who asks, Jo and Alison bond over a temperamental dryer in the laundry room, and Jo and Jake have an instant attraction, even before he shows

Matt is excited about a job opportunity in Seattle and Kelly is trying to be excited for him, and for the possibility of moving there with him if he gets it, but of course she's still mostly focused on Dylan, particularly after he gives Matt and Kelly their wedding gift a bit early: plane tickets for a trip around the world. Kelly is disgusted that he's trying this gambit again, and refuses to accept them, but that's not enough for Matt: even though he totally did not get the job (because, duh, of course he didn't, he almost got permanently disbarred THIS SEASON), he still thinks they should move away -- and if Kelly doesn't agree to do it, he's going to assume it's because she's still in love with Dylan. An apparently successful publishing mogul improbably wants to buy the Beat, but if the deal goes through, it will mean Janet remains to run the publication for a year while Steve is relieved of...whatever his duties currently are. Will Janet like being the family's sole breadwinner while Steve becomes a full

Alison is so sure Keith is the right man for her -- that a love she never dared to hope for is actually real -- that she's fighting with her friends and neighbors about the advisability of being with him. Her defiance starts to crumble, however, when he admits that Lily, his wife, has come to town from San Diego to implore him not to end their marriage; when Alison sneaks a look at his wallet and sees a photo of Keith and Lily in happier days (and in leis), her resolve to stay with him grows weaker still. But will Keith's magic penis overcome her doubts again? Matt finds a lawyer willing to take his wrongful-termination case, but struggles to come up with the $5000 retainer she requires. No one he knows has that kind of money except his pretty homophobic dad, who might prefer that Matt just endure whatever indignities come with the "lifestyle" Matt has "chosen." Rhonda finds someone to rent Sandy's old room -- Carrie, played by Rae Dawn Chong! -- only to discover that sharing a household with a professional o

Apparently what everyone was toasting in the last episode was Donna agreeing to let Dylan pay Mitch to build her an online store, because now it's actually getting close to launching, and everyone is mad about it. Janet's mad that Steve went behind her back to invest $10,000 from an inheritance she didn't know he had, and worried about what it means for their relationship that he's hiding money from her. David is mad that, when a model flakes on the website photo shoot, Camille agrees to model the clothes herself and...looks hot in them? And Donna is mad that, when she dumps Mitch for being too clingy, he holds the website hostage until she agrees to go out with him again. Meanwhile, the plots involving series latecomers continue spinning their wheels: Matt is still determined to lie to Kelly about his desert cheating, and Noah is still pushing Ellen into embracing sobriety rather than let her figure it out at her own pace. However, once she has more than one day, she risks changing their relationship by tell

Having decided at the end of the last episode that she is fine fooling around with a married man, Alison figures there's no reason she shouldn't let her friends, neighbors, and boss all about Keith's situation, and is unpleasantly surprised when they don't all agree with her that he's great and so is their relationship. Affected by their judgment, she decides to ask Keith exactly what it means when he says his marriage is "dead," and isn't comforted when (a) he doesn't really have an answer, and (b) the other person in that dead marriage phones in the middle of their argument. Alison has a lot to think about!!! Getting gay-bashed after bigots catch him in an extremely chaste hug is only the start of Matt's ordeal: the uniformed cops at the hospital are brusque; the detective from the hate crimes unit makes him tell the whole story again; and when his boss hears what makes Matt's assault a hate crime, he suddenly questions Matt's therapeutic practices and whether Matt is the right fit for his job. And a chance