Speculative Grammarian Podcast

Language Made Difficult, Vol. XII — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss goat and other mammalian accents, and liberal vs. conservative linguistics. They also investigate more Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics with repeat guest Sheri Wells-Jensen, and have another visit with Mr. Linguist.

Ph.D. Qualifying Examination for Linguistics (2009); by Saudade Gezellig; From Collateral Descendant of Lingua Pranca, October 2009. — Historical & Comparative Linguistics ... Computational Syntax ... Sociolinguistic Semantics ... Documentary Linguistics (Read by Trey Jones.)

Ph.D. Qualifying Examination for Linguistics (1978); by Keith Mountford; From Lingua Pranca, June 1978. — Historical ... Theoretical (Read by Trey Jones.)

Gavagai with Peppers; by Rob van der Sandt; From Volume CL, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, July 2005. — Many tasty gavagai recipes were brought from the jungle by linguists and missionaries in the first half of the 20th century. After the publication of Quine’s Word and Object they gained popularity among philosophers, though the book’s underlying idea was soon attacked from linguistic circles. As an unfortunate consequence, gavagai recipes emanating from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology tend to be inedible. (Read by Jonathan van der Meer.)

Language Acquisition Device Found; by R. Davis; From Volume CLI, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, April 2006. — At a recent press conference in Istanbul Prof. I. Jones, chief on-site archeologist at an excavation of an Upper Paleolithic site in central Turkey, made an announcement that stunned the linguistics community: a language acquisition device, or “LAD” has been found. (Read by Trey Jones.)

Language Made Difficult, Vol. XI — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss how vowels control your brain, and whether toddlers listen to themselves, or are just stupid. They also investigate more Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics with guest Sheri Wells-Jensen, and discuss their futurological visions for English.

Feature Girl Episode 1; by Friday Night Linguistics — Linguistic superhero Feature Girl enjoys a night out.

Speech Disorders as Indicators of Potential for Lyrical Success; by Ozzie Tchomzkij; From Volume CLI, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, April 2006. — In recent decades, there has been a subtle shift in popular music, as the idea that the human voice itself can be considered an instrument, rather than merely a delivery system for lyrics, has gained widespread acceptance among the general public. (Read by Trey Jones.)

Stepfather Goose, or, Just Take a Gander; by U No Hu (alias Carleton T. Hodge) ; From Lingua Pranca, June 1978. — This little phone had high tone, This little phone had low, This little phone was nasalized, This little phone was not so, ... (Read by Trey Jones.)

The Learner’s Task; by K. Slater; From Volume I, Number 1 of Linguist of Fortune, The Journal of the Linguistic Society of South-Central New Caledonia, November 1990. — Some say it isn’t any fun to imitate another’s tongue; while idioms and turns of phrase can often baffle and amaze the novice who must learn their ways. (Read by Keith Slater.)

Gothic for Travellers; by A Judzis, the Visigoth; From Volume CXLVII, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, April 1993.. — Hints for the traveller: The Goths are a very friendly and gregarious people. They will be quick to invite you to their homes for special ceremonies and entertainments. They also have hot tempers, so don't turn down an invitation to go home with a Goth. Good conversation starters are death, torture, eating and drinking. (Read by Daniel Nuance and Trey Jones.)

The Linguistic Rapture; by LaTim ElHaye and Leeeerooooy Jiŋkins; From Volume CLXI, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, February 2011. — We have been watching with interest the ongoing debate in Speculative Grammarian over the so-called “ultimate truth” of cosmolinguology. The arguments for and against the various linguistic bangs, crunches, rips, freezes, and bounces have been fascinating, but all are ultimately hollow and meaningless because they are made by theolinguistically uniformed physicolinguists. Even an amoral neo-Chomskyite lexicalist Bloduweddan knows that only theolinguistically-motivated accounts, such as wrathful dispersion, are even possibly relevant in discussions of the true fate of the linguoverse. (Read by Trey Jones.)

An Editorial Comment on ElHaye and Jiŋkins; by Butch McBastard and Jonathan van der Meer; From Volume CLXI, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, February 2011. — We, too, have been “watching with interest” the “ongoing” cosmolinguological “debate” among several well-known and well-respected physolinguists. As supporters of free speech and vigorous debate, the editors of Speculative Grammarian encourage and support the energetic exchange of ideas, even when those ideas are tripe. Thus, we felt compelled to let ElHaye and Jiŋkins have their say, even though their anti-lexicalist and anti-Bloduweddan comments are anathema to even the least tolerant among us. (However, of note, their anti-Chomskyite implicatures are generally acceptable to all but the most tolerant among us. Funny that.) (Read by Daniel Nuance.)

The Linguistic Doomsday; by Dr. X. Nibiru; From Volume CLX, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, January 2011. — While the parallels between physics and linguistics, between the physical universe and the linguoverse, are useful as a metaphorical lens through which to contemplate the role and fate of language, the parallels are far from complete. Unlike the physical universe, which is cold and at best apathetic toward the fate of humans, the linguoverse is warm and alive and intimately linked to the humans who form the substrate for the very existence of the linguoverse. There will be no Linguistic Big Crunch, Rip, Freeze, or Bounce. There will be no Linguistic Singularity, either, because the Linguistic Doomsday will destroy the linguoverse long before there is time for anything else to happen. (Read by Karen Nuance.)

The Linguistic Singularity and the Linguistic Multiverse; by Mikio Chachu; From Volume CLX, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, December 2010. — The tripe piles higher and deeper in the pages of SpecGram, a journal I once respected, as so-called “linguophysicists” barely worthy enough to utter the name of our noble profession spew out wholly inappropriate and wildly unsupported theories of Big Linguistic Crunches, Rips, Freezes, and Bounces. While the immature pretenders to cosmolinguistics paddle around in the shallow end, the true deep thinkers have deeply pondered the deep future. Their deep conclusions are deeply profound. (Read by Joey Whitford.)