Speculative Grammarian Podcast

Language Made Difficult, Vol. X — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss Danish and its vowels, and Proto-Ape-Wave. They also investigate more Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, and confess their prescriptive tendencies.

The Linguistic Big Bounce; by Dyman Freeson; From Volume CLX, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, November 2010. — I have watched with horror over the last several issues as the wrong-headed, ill-conceived, tripe-laden discussion of the ultimate fate of the linguoverse has unfolded in the pages of this once proud journal. Block’s Linguistic Big Crunch, Saygone’s Linguistic Big Rip, Tipler and Barrow’s Linguistic Big Freeze—all are once-enlightening but no-longer–enlightened models of our linguistic future. (Read by Keith Slater.)

The Linguistic Big Freeze; by John Tipler and Frank J. Barrow; From Volume CLIX, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, September 2010. — It is with some disappointment that we feel obligated to submit this article to the previously respectable Speculative Grammarian, which has now been demoted to the position of Purveyor of Meta-Tripe. (Read by Serena Nuance.)

The Linguistic Big Rip; by Charlie Saygone; From Volume CLIX, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, July 2010. — In the June 2010 issue, Block claims that there is an impending “Linguistic Big Crunch.” I am appalled that SpecGram would allow such tripe to be published. (Read by David J. Peterson.)

The Linguistic Big Crunch; by M. Adam Block; From Volume CLIX, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, June 2010. — In my role as Physologist at the High-Energy Pronoun Accelerator, I have been charged with the complex task of determining the physical laws of language. Throughout my long and distinguished career these first three days on the job, I have come to a startling conclusion: the universe of language as we know it will ultimately and spectacularly conclude in a Linguistic Big Crunch. (Read by David J. Peterson.)

Language Made Difficult, Vol. IX — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss parrot naming practices and "discuss" the "loss" of "cursive" "handwriting". They also investigate more Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, and Ask Mr Linguist about the legitimacy of the word "funner".

In space no one can hear you scream; by Keith W. Slater; From Volume CXLVIII, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, February 1998. — I opened my ears and the stars came down / speakers of languages I once called exotic / but now call data (Read by Keith Slater.)

Je suis /hoze/; by Chesterton Wilburfors Gilchrist, Jr.; From Volume CLVII, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, August 2009. — Once again I am compelled to relate the tale of graduate students who have displayed shocking behaviour in the pursuit of linguistic analysis. I have written previously of some students who left me flabbergasted after proposing an analysis of Spanish "hola" as an inflection of a back-formed infinitive "holar", meaning “to be greeted”. (Read by Trey Jones.)

Language Made Difficult, Vol. VIII — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss the "oldest" words in English and whether kids really are better than adults at learning languages. They also investigate more Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, and Ask Mr Linguist about a mythical beast called the "thesaurus".

A New Mechanism For Contact-Induced Change; by H.D. Onesimus; From Volume CL, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, July 2005. — Modern contact linguistics has demonstrated an impressive ability to account for language change and the emergence of new languages with a remarkably small number of mechanisms: bilingualism, creolization, borrowing, and convergence (also known as “smart drift”). (Read by Keith Slater.)

Dissection; by Bryan Allen; From Volume CL, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, January 2005. — Dissection—extracted from the ether it lies... (Read by Bryan Allen.)

The Glottal Stop Word; by So /ʔːː/ Confused; From Volume CLVIII, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, March 2010. — Dear Editors, I think I may have discovered an unexpected allomorph of the so-called “F-word”. I have a long-time friend—the sort with whom one may seem to share a psychic connection, able to complete each other’s sentences and speak volumes with the a flick of an eyebrow. We were discussing a mutual enemy when she said: “I wish he could get his /ʔːː/ act together.” (Read by Lee Nuance, Trey Jones, and Fiona Nuance.)

Veritas; by Pocus Pisces; From Volume XVI, Number 4, of Psammeticus Quarterly, August 1989. — Linguistic thought’s been full of folks/ Who’ve known the psych-real rules;/ Each one is sure that he is right/ And all the others—fools! (Read by Keith Slater.)

How Computers Can Do Fieldwork For You: A Case Study; by Chit Fullah; From Volume CLVIII, Number 4, of Speculative Grammarian, April 2010. — So, as a very mature and worldly individual—I am 20 years old after all—I am continually surprised by the lack of sophistication among the older generations—y’know, from 30 on up. They seem to be oblivious to the most rudimentary facets of everyday life, like Twitter, Reddit, and Fark. I mean, these people grew up on this planet—not like in Africa or something. Posers. (Read by Trey Jones.)

Language Made Difficult, Vol. VII — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined by surprise guest Comptroller General Joey Whitford for Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, discuss stubborn speakers of a dying language and robot conlangers, enjoy more Words of Wisdom from Lady Fantod, and discuss the Slater Method with its creator.

To the Field Workers, to Make Much of Time; by Earl Herrick; From Volume XVI, Number 4, of Psammeticus Quarterly, August 1989. — Gather ye data while ye may,/ 
Old Time is still a-flying./ 
Informants that can speak today/ 
Tomorrow will be dying. (Read by Keith Slater.)

Linguistics Manifesto; by Ling M. Anifesto; From Volume CLXI, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, March 2011. — Introduction to Linguistics Manifesto—There have been many linguistic manifestos over the course of the many centuries since man uttered his first schwa. But never, in the entire history of the universe, according to my private research, has there ever been a linguistics manifesto—that is, a manifesto on linguistics itself. (Read by David J. Peterson.)

How to Pay for Linguistic Fieldwork; by The SpecGram Editorial Board; From Volume CLVIII, Number 4, of Speculative Grammarian, April 2010. — The thing is is that fieldwork is expensive, and yet we have to somehow pay for it. Or we won’t get to do it. And really, heaven help the poor soul who can’t pay for a trip even to Tahiti, and has to try to come up with some topic on English syntax that hasn’t already been beaten like a dead metaphor. (Read by Trey Jones.)

Language Made Difficult, Vol. VI — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined by guest Devan Steiner for Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, discuss a Boston Accent Eradication Program and the suddenly uncertain future of the Oxford Comma, enjoy more Words of Wisdom from Lady Fantod, and answer tweets from fans.

Language Made Difficult, Vol. V — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss just how wrong Chomsky is and whether phoneme inventories shrink with distance form Africa, and investigate more Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics. We also enjoy more Words of Wisdom from Lady Fantod and grill DJP on his experience creating the Dothraki language for HBO.