Breakfast With The Beak

Paper cuts! Are you freaked out yet? You should be. But don’t worry; we take this extremely unpleasant topic and make it tolerable, mostly by talking about Honey Boo Boo, hypothetical emergency chainsaw scenarios, and the subtleties of ninja costuming. Basically anything but the topic itself, because ugh, paper cuts. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via […]

Like everyone else, we have families, and we can’t always avoid them. But why settle for family togetherness when we can talk about violent children armed with sofa cushions and shoes? Seriously, that comes up. As do terrible mashed potatoes, limerick parties, and trails of grease all over your mother’s nice floors. If nothing else, […]

All right, we’ve got a really stupid one for you this week. Have you ever wondered about bear attacks? Probably not. They’re pretty straightforward. But someone asked, so we’re telling you everything we know about life in the Bear Kingdom. Somehow we ended up reciting semi-obscene poetry and devising the greatest prank of all time. […]

Centuries ago, chain mail kept your ancestors safe from swords. Nowadays, it’s mostly used to make really impractical costumes. So where did it all go wrong? The answer involves fantasy swimwear, hunky adventurers, weresquirrels, and the collapse of the Global Brony Conspiracy. You know you’re curious about what the hell any of that means. Subscribe […]

This week, we’ve got an unusual request: lie about the extinction of the dinosaurs. Creationism, science fiction, alternate universes, we cover it all. We also debate what pheasants look like, chat with imaginary penguins, flip out about mini pizza bagels, and play a 100% illegal Pussy Riot song. Take that, Putin! Subscribe via RSS Subscribe […]

Oh, that’s right. Someone finally asked us the ultimate nerd question, and we’re ready to throw down. As it turns out, we’re kind of conflicted. Does Kirk’s impulsiveness really make him cool? Is Picard’s dedication just a lingering after-effect of an early trauma? Would you trust either of them to be the designated driver if […]

Why doesn’t the burger in the ad look anything like the actual burger you get at McDonald’s? We’re trying to find out, even if it means subjecting ourselves to varnished burgers, plastic sushi, and inexplicably waterproof towels. Whether you’re sending robots to Mars or just trying to make your competitor’s chicken look gross, this episode […]

The Olympics have started, and we noticed! Sure, the games themselves have barely gotten underway, but how about those opening ceremonies? We got to see muddy peasants, belching smokestacks, a giant Voldemort puppet, and stupid, stupid Matt Lauer! Did we like it? Are we excited? Is Matt Lauer really as stupid as we think? Download […]

We rely on dictionaries to tell us which words count as real words. So how should we react when they decide to add bits of internet slang to the canon? Turns out we’re mostly in favor of it, and we have some really good arguments that we stole from other people. So don’t worry; your […]

Do tiny dogs feel restricted when humans carry them around in purses, or do they just consider it a fun ride? That’s the question that led us on a journey through the world of miniature canines. Tune in if you’ve ever wanted to know about terrier combat, teacup elephants, or the prejudice that dachshunds face […]

Are certain careers more likely to lead to supervillainy than others? The comics would certainly have us think so, but are they telling the whole story? Are billionaires, scientists, and mutants the real threat? We have some theories, but first we need to work in some more Mitt Romney jokes. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via […]

A question about an especially tenacious rocker leads us into a referendum on the music of the 1990s. We ask where and how innovators go wrong, whether it’s worth it to play anything off the new album, and why “interesting” isn’t the same thing as “good.” If you’re feeling nostalgic, or just want to brush […]

You know how we discuss topics that people send in? Yeah, sometimes that backfires. Sometimes they submit something weird and uncomfortable. And you know what we do? We talk about celebrity sex tapes, stupid college party games, and the Golden Age of Poop Jokes. Seriously though, this was awkward. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes […]

Waiting in line. It’s annoying, it’s tedious, and we’re stuck with it. We explore the best ways to game the amusement park system, the polite chaos of urban crowds, and the inevitability of presidential politics. Plus, we analyze our dreams, design the Goodtimes family crest, and scream in high-pitched southern accents. (P.S. We’re hosting the […]

Ever feel like raising your own dragon? Well, don’t be too hasty. These are dangerous mythological creatures, and humans don’t exactly have a lot of experience with them. Still, we’re pretty sure it’ll work the same way it does on TV. We’re also pretty sure we know which dinosaurs we’d want to ride, why ostriches […]

We all know donuts are delicious, but do they hold any deeper meaning? What do they tell us about ourselves, our traditions, and our future? Turns out, kind of a lot. We discover what these delicious anytime snacks say about America, how they can save or ruin Christmas, and where they fit on Satan’s spreadsheet. […]

Oh look, we’re talking about something nerdy. Yes, we’re returning to the well that’s been so good to us so many times in the past, and this time we’ve brought collectibles, and a lot of questions. How many trading card games do we, as a society, really need? How can you make a balanced game […]

Admiral. Fish-person. Internet legend. Such is the wonder of Admiral Ackbar. You’re probably sick of seeing his sea-monkey-looking face and hearing his catchphrase, and we’re sensitive to that. We like to think we’ve found new depths to his character, and to the entire Star Wars universe. And Indiana Jones, and Captain Kirk, and while we’re […]

Normally I try to write a jokey little post here about how we couldn’t stay on-topic. Not this week. We talk about the real people who don super-suits and clean up the streets, and I don’t feel any need to joke about this because it’s awesome. Trust me; you want to listen to this episode. […]

How exactly can door-holding go wrong? All sorts of ways! Maybe there’s a tiger on the other side of the door or something! But even if there isn’t, you’re walking into a minefield of nostalgia and chivalry every time you hold a door for someone. If you want to survive, and maybe learn a few […]