Tranquil Tirades

Birdemic. Yup. This happened. One of our hosts loves it, one of them hates it, and the other is too tired to really have much of an opinion either way. It's a movie that has more to do with the perils of awkward romance and the evils of global warming than evil birds. So enjoy that.

For this edition of the Tirades, the guys are sinking it from the free throw line to bring you a review of Kazaam, a movie that they somehow all watched despite none of them wanting to take the blame for choosing it. What follows is two hours of audio that includes Shaq rhyming, a Barton Fink reference, the guys losing interest about halfway through and just browsing IMDB for a while, and Damien's poetry writing debut.

This month, the guys take in a viewing of Showgirls. What could possibly be better than a two-and-a-half-hour movie that somehow manages to make naked women boring? How about a three-hour podcast trying to talk about it. It goes about as well as you'd expect. Be excited. Be scared.

Bees. My god.

In a very special edition of Tranquil Tirades, the guys tackle their first Uwe Boll film: House of the Dead. It's really freaking dull, so most of the episode is spent discussing late 90s one-hit wonders, tortilla cosplay, and Gumby. You'll thank us later.

In this edition of the Tirades, J, D, and M tackle Battlefield Earth, a movie about evil Rastafarians from a giant purple gumdrop that overtook humanity with mostly punch-based weaponry. We didn't make that up, though all facts that we did fabricate are now canon. This episode is best viewed from a 45 degree angle.

The Room. For real this time.

And now what you've all been waiting for. Perhaps the most hoped-for review in Earth-2.net history. Relax and enjoy as James, Damien, and Mike take on one of the worst movies of all time: Tommy Wiseau's The Room. It can't be put into strong enough words how much this movie sucks. Let us pull you into a world of horrific sound editing, putrid dialog, and even worse acting. Filming of this movie must have been like having a screwdriver slowly twisted into your ear little by little. Only, the screwdriver is dipped in a lovely cocktail of battery acid and rubbing alcohol beforehand. Of course, Wiseau would have you believe this is all part of some genius "black comedy." Little by little, we think you'll understand why this film is so legendarily awful. So what are you waiting for, get to clickin'!

This month, the Tranquil Tirades crew has somehow survived their last ordeal to bring you a review of Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, a movie so nonsensical that no amount of explosions or techno music can save it. Meanwhile, one e-mail provides endless entertainment, James changes his name, Damien drops knowledge of the Wu-Tang Clan, and Mike is replaced by a drunken robot that knows way too much about guns and motorbikes for someone that can't control his bladder.

This month, the guys take a break from horror movie remakes to cover a video game movie, namely, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, a title wherein literally every word is a lie. If you ever wanted to know Damien's breaking point, this is the episode for you. To download this episode is to enter a world of pain.

It's beginning to look a lot like... a new episode of the Tirades, and if that pun felt lame and forced, then clearly you've never seen the 2006 remake of Black Christmas - a movie so mind-numbingly dull that the guys have to drag themselves kicking and screaming to even talk about it. Seriously. If you want an in-depth review, go elsewhere. All you'll find here are metal bands, Emilio Estevez vehicles, and soap whilst your hosts try to figure out if they even watched the same movie.

For the first official episode of Tranquil Tirades, James, Damien, and Mike sit down to watch the 2010 reimagining of A Nightmare on Elm Street. Medical inaccuracies, racial cleansing, and giant gaping plot holes are the order of the day as James tries to hold back the rage of his two horror-loving co-hosts. Meanwhile, Mike has trouble with names, and Damien may be Clancy Brown's adopted son. With special appearance by Waldo the Dog!

Starting this Friday, Tranquil Tirades begins dispensing its monthly dose of sardonic wit and righteous anger on the worst movies of all time!

It's the return of the audio Tranquil Tirades! James and Damien welcome newcomer Michael to the fray as they tackle the cinematic debacle known as DOA: Dead or Alive. Absurdity abounds as characters change race, gain superpowers, and often just disappear from the movie completely! The guys also manage to praise Kevin Nash and ogle Helena while discussing all of the other joys offered by the film, namely incest, generic fighting, and Eric Roberts wearing magic sunglasses.

Because you demanded it! The Sultans of Suffering present the very first audio edition of Tranquil Tirades! Join James and Damien as they discuss Murder-Set-Pieces, an exploitation blunder that both of our hosts agree is the worse movie ever made. Ever. What do Jack the Ripper and 9/11 have in common? Why is there a random kid on railroad tracks? How can you scream with a slit throat? Since when do Nazis look like Kenny Rogers? Just where, exactly, is the plot? None of these questions are answered, but Earth-2.net's resident smartasses still manage to fight the good fight and blow this cinematic abortion away with their Shotgun of Truth and Justice. Remember: They suffer, so you don't have to.